Leaping Into

I have come to realization that my greatest character weakness is my inability to say no. Another way to put it is that I am a compulsive people-pleaser. I care too much about people approving of me and liking me than I do about maintaining my own sanity. 

This behavior is evident in both my social as well as my professional life. I physically cannot say no to someone who needs my help. My heart reaches out to them and I want to contribute to the betterment of their lives more than I care about maintaining the peace in mine. This applies to friends as well as colleagues. 

As a result, I feel an odd combination of perpetual exhaustion and fulfillment. Though I sometimes resent myself for spreading myself so thin, I am also grateful to have such a full and rich life. I don't consider myself much of a complainer but when I complain it is usually due to people wanting or needing me too much. It is the result of having too much responsibility on my shoulders. It is complaining about people expecting too much of me. 

On the flip side -- I enjoy challenges and am honored that numerous people see me as a natural leader and friend. Though I enjoy being of service, unfortunately the limited number of hours in a day prevent me from truly enjoying and savoring the experience. I constantly feel pressed for time and overwhelmed by the amount of work I pile onto my plate before I've even begun to dig in. 

That being said, if all I have to complain about is the fact that too many people want and need me in their lives, then I am living a pretty sweet life. 



Speaking of which....here are some updates: 


Work is going well. I've got into this nice rhythm and flow with my students and am feeling confident and happy teaching them and exploring concepts of literature with them every single day. The only thing I have to complain about with regards to work is the grading. I try to give my students numerous meaningful and interesting homework and class assignments to enhance their learning....however, that then means I have "numerous meaningful and interesting homework and class assignments" to comment upon and grade. I find is so difficult to make assignments just pass/fail or "for credit". So many of my students put so much effort into their work that I consider it only fair to give them just as much effort in return. 

The fact that I am doing Romeo and Juliet and Merchant of Venice with my ninth and tenth graders (respectively) makes my life so much happier. Teaching Shakespeare is so enjoyable and effortless for me. I honestly wish I could teach nothing but Shakespeare for the rest of my career. You can access so many various avenues of interest in Shakespeare's works: history, psychology, religion, philosophy, drama, literature, poetry, language, art, war, economics, societal rules, culture....it is all there carefully woven between the lines ready for open-minded individuals to dissect and analyze and ponder over. Shakespeare is a " boundless sea" (his words) of insight into the human condition and experience. 

I had a very proud teaching moment today when one of my students came up to me after she took her test to show me her annotated Merchant of Venice text. She was so proud of herself and all the work she put into annotating that I just had to take a photo. It warms my heart to see students take pride in their work and to pour their heart and soul into achieving success. 

Moments that make me proud to be a teacher: 

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As many of you know, I am quite the health and fitness junkie. I love cooking and experimenting with healthy recipes in the kitchen. I love learning about nutrition and different methods of maintaining a physically and spiritually healthy life. 

Recently I've started experimenting with "Paleo" cooking (the basics of which entail eating only those simple non-processed foods that would have been available to our pre-agriculture cultivating ancestors).

I found a recipe for this "Raw No-Bake Apple Pie" that was just heaven....absolute heaven!! This has quickly become one of my new favorite deserts. 

The Base:
Pureed dates and almonds (splash of water and sea salt)

The Filling:
Pureed orange, dates, cinnamon, water

Cover the sliced apples with the filling mixture, let it sit to absorb the liquid and then layer into the "dough" in layers.

Refrigerate.

Devour.

With only 5 simple incredients this is a genuine healthy and wholesome food: 

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Last weekend, on Valentine's Day (a most dreaded, contrived and materialistic holiday), I woke up early to put in a nice workout and then ventured out into the desert with some friends. 

I responded so powerfully to the pure red fine grains of perfect sand spreading out across the horizon for miles and miles. I felt so alive and at peace being out in the sand dunes. There is something so hypnotizing and inspiring about being out in the desert. It's difficult to articulate, but it is a powerful physical-spiritual-emotional connection to the barren and clean simplicity of the environment that resonates deeply within my soul.  I felt happy and alive and warm and safe. 

Left with a renewed sense of positive energy (and a bit of a sunburn).

While I may dig myself into holes of self-induced stress and exhaustion by not saying no, I suppose I will always be a say-yes-to-life girl. Leaping into the future feet first without a moment's pause. Here I go.

Relief, Reflections and Great Expectations

Alhamdull'allah, life has finally gotten back to "normal". 

I am back to being just a teacher again (which, despite its own consuming challenges, is far preferable to being a social events planner). I learned a great deal this past week. I made quite a few mistakes and struggled emotionally more than I'd care to admit, but in the end I pulled off a successful event that made my students happy. The silver lining of this entire endeavor is that it has given me a better sense of what challenges to expect with regards to planning the prom. Though I am already dreading that 3-months-away event, at least I know what I'm getting myself into this time. There is still a world of work to be done in the meantime, but at least now I know where to go for help and support. 

Here are some photos from the Winter Formal:
(Though it may look beautiful and "put together" in these photos, I have to confess....all of it happened at the very last minute possible.....)

I had a meeting with my prom committee students yesterday and I sternly told them that if the prom committee is to organize any future fundraising events, it must be done entirely by students. I will serve in a supportive and encouraging capacity only. Bluntly put, they need to get their shit together. 

I'm about to run off to parent teacher conferences but I just needed a moment to write and process my thoughts before heading into the day....

I'm honestly feeling good. I feel healthy, happy, mentally calm and looking forward to a fun weekend in Bahrain with my friends Cody and Alex. Finally, a chance to escape. A real escape! At last! I deserve this. We're splurging on a nice hotel room and have made reservations at a very fancy sushi restaurant  where formal attire is recommended. I couldn't be more excited! I love any opportunity to dress up, show off and let loose. I don't do it often, so I appreciate it all the more when those rare moments come along where I can completely shut off my controlling/high-expectations/planning brain and just live my life in the present moment. 

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High expectations of life, people and myself define and shape my world view. I've reflected deeply on this personality characteristic and have come to the conclusion that this kind of thinking, rather than setting me up for success, limits me and sets me up for disappointment. Though educational theorists often discuss the vital necessity of having "high expectations" of students in order to motivate them to achieve success, my experiences in cultivating high expectations in my personal life has frequently led to disappointment. I have had a great deal of success in my life, but if I allow my imagination to run wild and expect too much of the world, I find myself let down. I need to learn to balance my high expectations with an understanding and acceptance of reality. I must also learn not to put too much stock in my hopes and expectations. When I begin to fantasize about a particular idea or person, I connect to that fantasy and form an attachment to it. When my imagined reality does not come true, the disappointment that follows affects me personally. And why should it? Though it may not be my fault if person or event fails to meet my expectations, it is my fault for setting those expectation so high in the first place. The world is a surprising and unpredictable place. Controlling certain aspects of my life (like my nutrition, appearance and  social engagements) is a defense mechanism that emotionally comforts me and makes me feel less helpless and powerless. Though too much self-control can be damaging and lead to negative habits, I greatly enjoy planning, preparing and organizing. It becomes a fun little game for me. In the end, all that matters is whether or not I am enjoying my life and living it to its fullest. As much as I like to try and maintain control, I must admit, my most favorite life experiences have always been the ones where I allowed myself to just let it all go.