A Call to Action

I have just turned over the last page of Jonathan Kozol's book, The Shame of the Nation. A powerful narrative about the inequality and injustices present in American society -- specifically with regards to our public education system.

I feel....inspired.
I want to write, talk, debate, fight, advocate and speak up.

I feel....helpless.
What am I doing about this? What knowledge do I have? What expertise do I possess about a matter this profound and important and significant? What can I possibly contribute to the cause? What difference can I make?

I feel....guilty.
I left my students in Chelsea. I left to pursue a better life and opportunity for myself. There was still so much work left for me to do there...

I feel...confident.
Though I now teach at a private international school in the Middle East, I know that I am a good teacher. I love my job, I love my students. I am successful, I am well liked and I am an effective teacher. My students are able to learn from me and make strides in their learning. I go above and beyond the requirements of me as a a mere "teacher" and I pour my entire heart and soul into my work. 

I feel....powerful.
I will return to the United States some day. I will make a difference and I will not allow my country to continue to bury these underprivileged children into the ground. I will come back some day and fight for them. I just need to build myself up a little bit more: financially, emotionally and intellectually. I will return to the United States stronger than ever.


I have always said that my heart got left in Saudi Arabia years ago as a child. Now that I have moved back to the desert, I feel whole again. I feel complete. I am happier than I have ever been and I feel as though I am doing meaningful and fulfilling work. Teaching is by no means an easy job. I come home every day after school exhausted and stressed, but never have I felt as though I ever "wasted" a day. Regardless of how draining a day I have,  I always feel as though I have accomplished some thing. It may not necessarily be particularly poignant, but small gains are what keep me going as an educator. Small joys + small successes = big overall gains.

Kozol's book left me thinking deeply about myself and my life. I have always believed that I was put here on this planet to make a difference in some way. I often talk about how I feel destined for greatness. While immersed in the pages of Kozol's direct and vivid prose, I could imagine myself as a lawyer, a senator, a congresswoman, a policy maker, an advocate, a principal, a civil rights activist....I saw myself fighting against "the system" and writing articles, expose, proposals, grants, bills and books aimed at making a difference and overturning the American public system of education. I began to think about what I would need to do to make these dreams become realities:

I would need to go to grad school. Get a Masters in Educational and Social Policy and then turn that Masters in a Ed.D. I would then need to go to law school. I would then need to get a job working for a educational or public policy think tank. I would need to get a publisher. I would need to make connections.

The ideas just won't stop bubbling up to the surface.

I realize that this mode of thinking is fueled by pure adrenaline. I am in "summer mode" and my judgement is clouded by the superficial sense of ease and freedom I have now that I am not working. I am a dreamer. As much as the idea of giving up my comfortable teaching life to enter the world of policy making appeals to me right now, I cannot say with complete conviction that this is something I am going to actually do. Its exciting to imagine that alternative life for myself. Its exciting to think that I very easily could give up my teaching career in Saudi and move back to Boston and attend graduate school in the hopes of landing a job as a policy maker. I already have connections in the educational policy world of Massachusetts.

So what is stopping me? Why aren't I compelled by a sense of duty and purpose to give up my comfortable teaching life and work as an educational policy activist?

Why?

Why do I always make the safe choice? Why do I take the easy way out? Why don't I take more risks? It's not that I'm fearful of failure....what is it? I don't consider myself to be particularly timid. On the contrary, I am always among the first of my friends to try new things, put myself out there and take the first step into a new venture. So why am I so resistant to giving up this happy, successful and "safe" life for work that could potentially change the world?

Fear of disappointing others? Myself?

I am trying to be as open and hones with myself as possible, but I genuinely cannot see the answer to this question. I cannot get past my mental defenses and see what is truly motivating me and my decisions. Am I allowing myself to continue driving forward or am I beginning to take my foot off the gas and settle into cruise control? Not yet, I tell myself, not yet. There are still miles to go and rubber to burn before I let myself settle for anything!

I Did It!!!!!

As of 4 pm yesterday I officially finished my first year of teaching in an international school! 

My third year of teaching total!

Three years down, a lifetime to go...

My "countdown" since the start of the year....
(Not like I was impatient or anything)
I still can't believe its actually been a year!

Exams and Essays ALL GRADED!!!!
This took me about 4 days of tireless reading and marking through the night to achieve...

I feel so happy right now. I'm simply elated. No words can even begin to describe how happy and calm and "at peace" I feel right now. It is done. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I'm done. 

These past few weeks have been excruciatingly exhausting. The weeks and days leading up to the Prom (May 31st)  found me sleepless, appetite-less and utterly restless as I ran around organizing, leading, planning, paying, painting and gluing the pieces of "the biggest event of the year" together. Though I was incredibly stressed, the event went on without a hitch. The students were happy, the administration was happy and I was happy that it was finally over! Prom was absolutely beautiful and I couldn't have been more proud of the students who stood by my side and dreamed this entire thing into life. As much as I complained and agonized about this responsibility in private to my friends and family, it made me feel so good to help make my students' dreams come true. 

Prom Set Up....the magic begins....

Students arriving to Prom...in, you know, their Ferrari's and things....

A Night to Remember......(8 Months to Plan)

Once prom was over I thought my life would finally regain some sense of normalcy, but no. Then came exams. 

And then came a cheating scandal.

Long story short: one of my sneaky tenth grade students discovered a folder of mine in which I had placed the answers to the ninth grade exam (let me first of all say that I never make answer keys for this very reason, but the English teaching substitute I work with asked me to make one to help her mark the exam). Within a mere second the student took out his phone, snapped a picture of the answers and sent it off to his ninth grade girlfriend who proceeded to distribute the answers to practically the entire grade.  We caught three of the cheaters red-handed on the day of the exam (they had brought little cheat sheets into the exam room with them) and, through tireless investigating on the part of the high school principals, have identified several more students who were involved in this major breach of the school's honor policy. 

It was an incredibly painful ordeal. Painful for me because at first I felt a tremendous amount of guilt (thinking that I should have had the answer key locked in my desk instead of on top of my desk) and then after I accepted that it was not my fault, my principal tells me that he discovered at least five other subject exams that had been compromised! Though I realize that shouldn't have made me "feel better" it did help me take the blame off myself.  Clearly these students were on a mission...

After that first day, I felt frustrated and angry; not just for the inconvenience of having to re-write the exam and make every ninth grader re-take it, but for the stress and anguish this put so many of my sweet and honest students through. Each of them were interrogated like criminals (ironic considering my last place of employment) and made to feel guilty for not coming forward with information before the exam took place. Now I do not condone their behavior by any means, and I am very disappointed that many of my most trusted and mature students did not come forward, but I also remember what it was like to be fourteen and how terrifying it is to think that you could get in trouble for just speaking up. For the past few days I have had at least ten different students in my room crying (both boys and girls). Crying about the stress this has caused them, the fear of punishment, the fear of getting bullied, the guilt of not speaking up....Though cheating may not seem like a crime that hurts anyone, the ripple effect of it is dramatic and few are left unscathed. 

But that is now over and done with. It was a mess, but it is done now. The entire high school has learned from this and I for one am more than happy to just move on!

So what is next on the horizon for me?

Well, in four days I fly to Belgium to spend some quality time with my Mom and sister. My Dad will then fly out there to join us at the end of the month once he finishes school. I plan on soaking up as much peace and quiet as I can. I plan on reading and writing every single day and dining on delicious foods and real wine. I intend to take a lot of walks, relax and disconnect myself from social networking for a while. Maybe I'll take up painting, who knows?!

On July 1st I head to Boston where I will eagerly leap into the arms of my beloved friends and family. I feel very disconnected from their lives and know that I owe them a great deal of time to make up for all those moments I missed throughout the year. The dearest people in the world to me are the ones who don't make me feel guilty for spending time away living my dreams. They embrace me after months of being apart and are genuinely happy to see me, as opposed to feeling upset or making me feel guilty that it has been too long. I think that is the true meaning of love -- to love someone unconditionally and not faulting them for their life choices. Just loving them for who they are. 

I am incredibly grateful to have several people like that in my life. It is thanks to them that I never succumb to loneliness and it is thanks to them that I am able to find the strength in times of darkness to continue living my dreams no matter what obstacles may stand in my way. 

Oh summertime.....here I come!!!