Week 16: "A Transformation"

Week 16:

April 19-26

I am desperately trying to stay positive. 

I am desperately trying not to let negative thoughts or stresses or fears consume my mind. 

They are poisonous and block energy and can prevent people from achieving success and happiness.

I am currently reading the book, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. I picked it up in the hopes that it would help guide me towards living a more simplistic and happier life. I live in a two bedroom, three bathroom villa by myself and I pay no bills. I have everything that I want in life and more! I have the luxury of a consistent income and am able to purchase items like organic foods, fashionable clothes, popular books, movies and music and other materialistic distractions that bring me temporary joy. I am honestly very happy with my life right now, but ultimately I know that this life I live here in Saudi is not real. Something is missing. 

I am trying to move away from my desire to hold on to things: ideas, expectations, possessions, and money. 

New York City is going to be my home for the next two years. I have dreamed of this for years and it is finally manifesting itself. Though, of course, not exactly in the way that I had planned it would. Over the past few weeks I have been researching the city and the various costs and expenses of living there. No matter how many articles I read or websites I consult, I come to the same conclusion: NYC is wildly expensive and I am scared. I am scared of being unable to pay my bills. I am scared about being unknown. I am scared that I won't get hired to work at a good school. I am scared about being able to find happiness in a world that is so fast-paced and materialistic. I am scared of the future because I do not know what it holds in store for me. 

But I cannot let these negative thoughts and fears take hold of me. Robin Sharma, the author of The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, writes that our thoughts are living and tangible things. Whatever negative thoughts we cultivate in our minds, we put that negative energy out into the world. 

I know it sounds like pseudo-spiritual bullshit, but I cannot help but feel as though there is some validity in these simple Buddhist principles. Why do I expend so much time and energy worrying about all the bad things that could happen as opposed to thinking about all the good things that could happen? Rather than worrying about what schools may not hire me, why don't I wonder about the school I will work at some day? Rather than thinking about an apartment I can't afford, why not think about the joy of moving into one that I can afford? 

I've never considered myself to be a negative person, but I am a worrier. An over-thinker. I fantasize about great situations more often than negative ones, but I do create stress for myself when I realize that my fantasies are purely fantasies and not rooted in reality. But what Sharma writes is that our fantasies can become realities. That is the power of the imagination. If you can think it and dream it, you can realize it. The reason that most people don't live their fantasies is because we get caught up in our fears and doubts and sabotage our dreams. Why did I give up my dream of being an actress? I was afraid of failing. I gave up before I even began.

Well I don't want to do that ever again. 

I need a spiritual awakening. I am preparing to make a major life change and in order to be able to live my life more fully I need to approach these next few weeks with an open mind. 

I really do need a change. 

Saudi....I love you, but you can be toxic in many ways. You tempt me with money and ease of life. I could honestly live here for the rest of my days. But that would not be a true and authentic life. I need to live more simply. I need to get away from all the thoughts and stress and negative thinking that poison my mind. I genuinely love my life and feel so fortunate for all that I have, but life to too precious and short to be wasted worrying. 

So no more worrying.

Just positive thinking from here on in!