Shopping Van Musings

While on the shopping van headed downtown to the Kuwaiti souks this morning the married women on the bus asked me what it is like being single in Riyadh. 

I smiled and began by telling them that at first it was quite flattering to be hit on all the time and regarded with affection and desire by so many men. I felt empowered and confident. I felt as though I had the upper hand. Yet, that initial flattery faded fast as I began to realize that men here are really only interested in finding one of two things: a hook-up or a wife. I genuinely have no interest in being either. Unfortunately, the world tends to see my position as a single woman in Saudi Arabia rather differently. Whenever I am with a man here, I feel as though everyone assumes that we are “together”.  The men I have befriended here look at me like I am “their’s”, like they have “dibs” on me. They flirt and flatter me and attempt to win my affections. If they can make me smile, they think they “have” me. If they can impress me, they think I belong to them. To me, these actions read as desperation. The majority of men (single men, that is) I meet here are desperate. Desperate for sex, attention, and affection. They ooze desperation out of their pores and I can smell them from miles away. It is, I believe, the most unattractive quality in a human: desperation. 

Men are not particularly difficult to read, especially desperate men. They cannot hide their affections and their true intentions can be seen all over their faces. Its extremely off-putting and frankly, annoying. Really, boys? You can’t have a normal conversation with a person of the opposite sex without undressing her with your eyes?  I can tell you’re doing it! Really boys, is it so difficult to just respect a woman for who she is as a person and be her friend without that being your strategy to try and date her?  Really boys, you think I can’t tell what you’re thinking? Really? 

Aside from when I am safely in the comforts of my villa I feel as though I am always being watched. Everywhere I go. There is no privacy to be had anywhere in this country. For the past two years in the United States I had a very normal dating life. It wasn’t particularly scandalous, but I had a vibrant social life and I had a dating life. Did anyone aside from my close personal friends know about it? Not at all. My colleagues and students seldom saw me outside of school, I arranged dinners and drinks and brunch dates at independent and different locations where I knew that my privacy would be respected. No one looks at you differently if you are out with a guy in the United States. People don’t even think twice. If I talk to a single man in the States, I am just talking to a single man. I’m not flirting and neither of us are necessarily trying to achieve something. Here, however, every single Y-chromosome I encounter is a cause for suspicion according to others. 

Now “who” exactly is it that is watching me? Honestly, it feels like everyone. My students see me talking to a single male and they start speculating and gossiping. My colleagues see me flirting with a man at a bar or getting hit on at an event, they too start making assumptions. I can’t go anywhere in the country alone, therefore I am always being watched by someone. 

Saudi Arabian Police Force Logo

I know I shouldn’t care. I know I should just “do what I want”, but I do care about what people think of me. I don’t want to be seen as a harlot, which is sadly the kind of reputation most young single women have around here. What makes matters worse (and I truly hate myself for this) is that I judge the single women here too! I see the lines of Philippino women, their faces painted thickly with make up and bodies wrapped in tight animal print tops, waiting to get into the military base and I instantly assume that they’re only there to hook up with and potentially marry a nice big white American boy. I see the drunk English nurses wearing those short skirts at parties and make the assumption that after a few more drinks they are putting out for some buff handsome man. They want to meet a man here. They like the fact that the single men here want sex and marriage. Those are their goals too. They enjoy the game, they want it too. 

It is wrong of me to judge them for that, I know. Its horrible, but I do it. I know that we live in a modern day and age and that women have needs just like men, but its so different in this country. Appearances are everything here. If you are all dressed up waiting to get into the military base, the guy coming to pick you up wants to sleep with you and everyone knows it. I never felt this way in the United States. Yes, I got hit on by creepy guys at bars and yes I felt objectified on occasion, but I suppose the difference is that here the stakes are higher. The men do have more power than the women here. The culture here is male-centered and promiscuity is regarded as a honor for men and a crime for women. Even though I'm a Western woman, I still feel that stigma hanging over me and my actions. Though I've been careful about the people I spend my time with and respectful of myself and my appearance, I still cannot help but think that all my actions are scrutinized. 

Fortunately, I have made a great group of friends here who I interact with socially on a consistent basis. They make me feel safe and comfortable and I can be my usual wild and outgoing self around them without feeling like I'm being judged. I still feel the need to watch what I say around single men and take care not to seem too friendly, but for the most part I believe I am beginning to be regarded by the expat singles community as a strong, intelligent and independent woman who does not put up with players and is here to build a successful life for myself. No one is going to get in my way.