I feel these tremendous obligations on my shoulders and burdens (boulders) of responsibility attempting to crush me down into dust. I have to fight to keep the smile on my face as I work hour after hour trying to make others happy.
Trying to make my students happy
Trying to make my colleagues happy
Trying to make my friends happy
I need a break. I need someone to offer to carry my load for just a few hours so I can rest my weary bones.
There are days here when I wake up feeling so happy and grateful for all that I have in my life. I stop and pause sometimes and look around my big spacious villa and am frozen in disbelief for a few moments as I remind myself that it is all real. Sitting in the back seat of a private car being chauferred around the city makes me feel powerful: I, a single woman, have the power to hire a driver to take me wherever I so desire. True, I don't have the "power" to drive myself...but at least I have the financial means to hire someone to do it for me.
I am truly happy here, but it is not the "living" of my life that is so burdensome to me right now. It is the means through which I come to have such a great life that is causing me anguish.
I loving teaching. I love standing in front of students and engaging them in discussions, debates and carefully designed lessons. I love helping them understand a complex text, find the right word, or analyze a literary feature. I love answering their questions and driving them crazy by answering them with another question. I love planning units and lessons and designing activities that will motivate and inspire my students to think deeply and forge a personal connection between literature and life. I honestly don't even mind grading!
But what I do NOT love is bureaucracy. I do not love planning dances. I do not love organizing fundraisers. I do not love budgeting. I do not love micromanaging people. I do not love having to ask for permission (or forgiveness). I do not love calling up catering companies. I do not love asking my facilities director for more workers. I do not love anything about being the prom coordinator/adviser.
I tell myself that this is just my price to pay in order to have such a wonderful life in this country I so romantasize. These are my "dues". Right? I've been trying to tell myself that for the past couple of weeks but I'm really not buying it. I don't mind dedicating my spare time to extracurricular activities that will benefit the school. I loved coaching volleyball and would happily coach again. I am a leader and I enjoy being in positions of power, but with regards to planning this "epic" event, I feel as though I am in way over my head. I've been in positions before where I felt ill-equip to handle a job or task, but the difference was that I had passion driving me to succeed in those circumstances. I couldn't care less about a school dance like "the prom". I have no love in my heart or intrinsic motivation supporting me through this. The only thing keeping me from giving up on this superfluous circus entirely is the fact that I crave the approval of others and I refuse to have my name associated with anything less-than-spectacular. So as much as I hate this job with all of my soul, I am bound to it till the very end.
Sometimes I hate my good conscience....
Little ray of sunshine to keep me going:
Here are photographs of the beach I'm going to be staying at while in Thailand in April....
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