Freedom

I've been reading a lot of blogs recently.

Blogs about fitness, nutrition, health, wellness and inspiration. When I need to take a break or unwind from my day I log onto my computer and immediately start hopping from blog to blog or website to website absorbing pages and pages of information.Some of the information that I read is incredibly inspiring and illuminating. Other things I read are mundane or simplistic or useless. 

I read to educate myself. Living here in Saudi Arabia has allowed for me to spend a great deal of time thinking about myself and my life and the ways in which I would like to shape my purpose in life. I have become much more self-aware since living here and I think a great deal of that has to do with the fact that since I am here on my own, I am able to get in deeper touch with myself because I do not have the influence of friends and family contributing to my self perception image. Do not think I am ungrateful for my friends and family. On the contrary, I am the strong and independent woman I am because of their incredible support and influence in my life. If it were not for the incredible encouragement and praise received from my friends and family, I doubt I would have accomplished anything of significance in my life. It is thanks to them that I have been able to put myself out in the world and take risks, conquer obstacles and challenge myself to be extraordinary. 

Yet, I also know that I am a "people-pleaser" by nature and will often do things or behave a certain way if I believe it is what someone wants to see of me. I hold my self to unbelievably high expectations and therefore I assume others expect just as much of me. I want to please every single person I meet. I want everyone to like me and I want to make everyone happy. I realize that this is unrealistic, but I can't help it -- its the truth. I tell myself over and over again not to care about what others think and to live to make myself happy above all else, but unfortunately that people-pleasing aspect of my nature is something I don't believe I will ever be able to "get over". I see it in my sister and parents as well. We all aim to please, we all live to serve and we all are more than willing to put others' happiness ahead of our own. Its a very fulfilling way to live one's life - serving others - but it can become oppressively exhausting at times if you aren't able to step away for some alone time every once in a while. 

I realize that I have turned this post into more of a confessional journal entry as opposed to an informative or reflective post about my experiences living here in Riyadh. The purpose of this blog has always been to communicate my thoughts and feelings (as they are occurring) about my experiences as a young, single teacher in Saudi Arabia. Yet, this self-discovery journey I'm on is a big part of my "Saudi experience". As previously mentioned, living here has allowed for me to spend a great deal of time selfishly consumed with my own thoughts and development. I have no one else to worry about here but myself. As a result, I feel as though I am maturing as a woman because I am beginning to better understand my personal strengths and weaknesses. I am discovering what I want out of life and what is most important to me. Its an incredibly liberating feeling. 

Who'd of thought a single white girl would finally find her freedom in such a socially repressive country like Saudi Arabia?