Week 16: "A Transformation"

Week 16:

April 19-26

I am desperately trying to stay positive. 

I am desperately trying not to let negative thoughts or stresses or fears consume my mind. 

They are poisonous and block energy and can prevent people from achieving success and happiness.

I am currently reading the book, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari. I picked it up in the hopes that it would help guide me towards living a more simplistic and happier life. I live in a two bedroom, three bathroom villa by myself and I pay no bills. I have everything that I want in life and more! I have the luxury of a consistent income and am able to purchase items like organic foods, fashionable clothes, popular books, movies and music and other materialistic distractions that bring me temporary joy. I am honestly very happy with my life right now, but ultimately I know that this life I live here in Saudi is not real. Something is missing. 

I am trying to move away from my desire to hold on to things: ideas, expectations, possessions, and money. 

New York City is going to be my home for the next two years. I have dreamed of this for years and it is finally manifesting itself. Though, of course, not exactly in the way that I had planned it would. Over the past few weeks I have been researching the city and the various costs and expenses of living there. No matter how many articles I read or websites I consult, I come to the same conclusion: NYC is wildly expensive and I am scared. I am scared of being unable to pay my bills. I am scared about being unknown. I am scared that I won't get hired to work at a good school. I am scared about being able to find happiness in a world that is so fast-paced and materialistic. I am scared of the future because I do not know what it holds in store for me. 

But I cannot let these negative thoughts and fears take hold of me. Robin Sharma, the author of The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, writes that our thoughts are living and tangible things. Whatever negative thoughts we cultivate in our minds, we put that negative energy out into the world. 

I know it sounds like pseudo-spiritual bullshit, but I cannot help but feel as though there is some validity in these simple Buddhist principles. Why do I expend so much time and energy worrying about all the bad things that could happen as opposed to thinking about all the good things that could happen? Rather than worrying about what schools may not hire me, why don't I wonder about the school I will work at some day? Rather than thinking about an apartment I can't afford, why not think about the joy of moving into one that I can afford? 

I've never considered myself to be a negative person, but I am a worrier. An over-thinker. I fantasize about great situations more often than negative ones, but I do create stress for myself when I realize that my fantasies are purely fantasies and not rooted in reality. But what Sharma writes is that our fantasies can become realities. That is the power of the imagination. If you can think it and dream it, you can realize it. The reason that most people don't live their fantasies is because we get caught up in our fears and doubts and sabotage our dreams. Why did I give up my dream of being an actress? I was afraid of failing. I gave up before I even began.

Well I don't want to do that ever again. 

I need a spiritual awakening. I am preparing to make a major life change and in order to be able to live my life more fully I need to approach these next few weeks with an open mind. 

I really do need a change. 

Saudi....I love you, but you can be toxic in many ways. You tempt me with money and ease of life. I could honestly live here for the rest of my days. But that would not be a true and authentic life. I need to live more simply. I need to get away from all the thoughts and stress and negative thinking that poison my mind. I genuinely love my life and feel so fortunate for all that I have, but life to too precious and short to be wasted worrying. 

So no more worrying.

Just positive thinking from here on in!

Week 15: "My Saudi Boys"

Week 15:

April 12 - 18

A group of Saudi boys are having a pizza party in my classroom. They won a Student Council Super Smash Brother's video game competition and their reward was a pizza party in my room. 

Some things never change. 

These boys are all juniors and being a fly on the wall in my classroom right now is quite a sight to behold. 

I am sitting in the far corner of my classroom doing work (ok, let's be real, I'm looking up potential apartments to rent in NYC and preemptively panicking about how I am going to afford to live the life I have fantasized for myself). The boys are sitting in a circle in the middle of the room, noshing on their greasy pizzas and smiling and chatting in a beautiful cacophony of Arabic and English. As such, I can only pick up pieces of their conversation, but the few phrases and expressions I manage to hear both shock and amuse me. 

"I'm not getting married until I've made my first 3 million!"

"I'm not getting married, I want to buy a house!"

"I want to get married right away!"

"This one guy I know he has two girlfriends and they both know about each other and they're friends!" 

"Guys, who is coming to play football on Saturday?"

And on and on their conversation goes. 

I look out at them and cannot help but smile. These boys are the future of Saudi Arabia. Right now, their worlds are so simple and innocent. True, they may be experimenting with drugs and drinking and dating right now, but on the whole, their lives are innocent. They have no stresses or worries. They do not need to find a job right away, they all come from privileged families. The world is truly their oyster. 

A part of me envies them. As I strain my brain to try and calculate how much money I can afford to spend on rent per month and how much of my savings I will be losing slowly as I adjust to life in one of the most expensive cities in the world, I think about how easy it would be for any one of these boys to put a down payment on a beautiful condo in Manhattan or rent a penthouse in Chelsea. A life of unlimited riches...that must be nice. 

But then I think about my own life and all the beauty and love I have experienced and felt. I have two parents. Two loving parents who work hard, respect one another and genuinely enjoying spending time with my sister and I. For as long as we have lived, my parents have prioritized the needs of my sister and I above all else. They have taken us on beautiful vacations and encouraged us to take risks and pursue our passions. They have showered us with praise and love and gratuitous attention. 

When I think about my adult Saudi male friends, I see a group of very closed-off men. Secretive men. Selfish men. Men that prioritize their own needs over those of the women in their lives (save their mothers...mothers are sacrosanct).

But as I look out at this group of Saudi boys in front of me, it suddenly dawns on me that maybe the reason that they band so close together is because their friends are the only source of love, inspiration, respect and encouragement they have. Do their parents shower them with attention? Probably not. I think Saudi boys are expected to fend for themselves. This must be the reason they develop such selfish natures. Not selfish in the narcissistic sense, but selfish in the "we don't let in outsiders" sense. Family is everything. Their friends are an extension of their family. 

I think back to years ago when I feel for a Saudi boy. I couldn't understand why my affections were not returned. I couldn't understand why no matter how hard I tried, I was never treated the same as his guy friends. 

I get it now. 

It is a form of self-preservation. 

I genuinely love these boys, these funny, emotional, ridiculous Saudi students of mine. I do not agree with many of their views and opinions about the world. I certainly resent the fact that they are so much younger and less experienced than me and yet they have more rights and freedoms than me in this country (about half of this group have cars of their own). But there is something about them that warms my heart. Watching them sit together and talk and socialize and look so natural and at ease is honestly a thing of beauty. Though they would cringe to hear me say this, these boys really do love each other.