Week 15: "My Saudi Boys"

Week 15:

April 12 - 18

A group of Saudi boys are having a pizza party in my classroom. They won a Student Council Super Smash Brother's video game competition and their reward was a pizza party in my room. 

Some things never change. 

These boys are all juniors and being a fly on the wall in my classroom right now is quite a sight to behold. 

I am sitting in the far corner of my classroom doing work (ok, let's be real, I'm looking up potential apartments to rent in NYC and preemptively panicking about how I am going to afford to live the life I have fantasized for myself). The boys are sitting in a circle in the middle of the room, noshing on their greasy pizzas and smiling and chatting in a beautiful cacophony of Arabic and English. As such, I can only pick up pieces of their conversation, but the few phrases and expressions I manage to hear both shock and amuse me. 

"I'm not getting married until I've made my first 3 million!"

"I'm not getting married, I want to buy a house!"

"I want to get married right away!"

"This one guy I know he has two girlfriends and they both know about each other and they're friends!" 

"Guys, who is coming to play football on Saturday?"

And on and on their conversation goes. 

I look out at them and cannot help but smile. These boys are the future of Saudi Arabia. Right now, their worlds are so simple and innocent. True, they may be experimenting with drugs and drinking and dating right now, but on the whole, their lives are innocent. They have no stresses or worries. They do not need to find a job right away, they all come from privileged families. The world is truly their oyster. 

A part of me envies them. As I strain my brain to try and calculate how much money I can afford to spend on rent per month and how much of my savings I will be losing slowly as I adjust to life in one of the most expensive cities in the world, I think about how easy it would be for any one of these boys to put a down payment on a beautiful condo in Manhattan or rent a penthouse in Chelsea. A life of unlimited riches...that must be nice. 

But then I think about my own life and all the beauty and love I have experienced and felt. I have two parents. Two loving parents who work hard, respect one another and genuinely enjoying spending time with my sister and I. For as long as we have lived, my parents have prioritized the needs of my sister and I above all else. They have taken us on beautiful vacations and encouraged us to take risks and pursue our passions. They have showered us with praise and love and gratuitous attention. 

When I think about my adult Saudi male friends, I see a group of very closed-off men. Secretive men. Selfish men. Men that prioritize their own needs over those of the women in their lives (save their mothers...mothers are sacrosanct).

But as I look out at this group of Saudi boys in front of me, it suddenly dawns on me that maybe the reason that they band so close together is because their friends are the only source of love, inspiration, respect and encouragement they have. Do their parents shower them with attention? Probably not. I think Saudi boys are expected to fend for themselves. This must be the reason they develop such selfish natures. Not selfish in the narcissistic sense, but selfish in the "we don't let in outsiders" sense. Family is everything. Their friends are an extension of their family. 

I think back to years ago when I feel for a Saudi boy. I couldn't understand why my affections were not returned. I couldn't understand why no matter how hard I tried, I was never treated the same as his guy friends. 

I get it now. 

It is a form of self-preservation. 

I genuinely love these boys, these funny, emotional, ridiculous Saudi students of mine. I do not agree with many of their views and opinions about the world. I certainly resent the fact that they are so much younger and less experienced than me and yet they have more rights and freedoms than me in this country (about half of this group have cars of their own). But there is something about them that warms my heart. Watching them sit together and talk and socialize and look so natural and at ease is honestly a thing of beauty. Though they would cringe to hear me say this, these boys really do love each other. 

Week 9: "Prayer Call"

Week 9:
Feb 27 - Mar 6

It is 7:30 pm and the distant sounds of prayer call lull me into a state of calm. No matter where you may be in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia you are always within earshot of prayer call. The elongated vowels undulating up and down in a hypnotic rhythm have no meaning for me intellectually or spiritually, but emotionally they are a powerful source of comfort.

Five times a day, no matter what, the muezzin sings a prayer up into the heavens and into the homes and hearts of all of the country’s inhabitants. Most Westerners curse the call to prayer, for at the very moment the first “Allah” is chanted, all stores and banks and restaurants shut down immediately. Doors are locked, screens are lowered, gates are shut and people are shuffled out into the streets and corridors of offices and shopping centers. When in the middle of running errands this scheduled interruption can be quite irritating. I have often found myself sprinting through aisles, plucking cans and boxes off shelves in a rabid manner, arriving at the cashier red-faced and panting, as the teller slowly slinks away for his religiously sanctioned “break”. Much to the chagrin of the religious police, very few people actually pray during prayer call. Most cashiers and waiters and store clerks leave their positions during prayer call to step outside to make phone calls, chat and smoke cigarettes. They passively stare at frustrated customers attempting to bargain for the opportunity to make one final purchase or complete their transaction. But their efforts are in vain. It is out of their hands, they shrug apathetically.

But I must admit, prayer call doesn’t much bother me (except, of course, for when I have just sprinted to the cashier and missed the chance to pay for my goods by a fraction of a second). I often savior the opportunity to step out of my hurried tracks and just wander about aimlessly, staring into closed shop windows, observing the men, women and children around me who have also had to press the pause button on their lives as well. Some curl up on benches and floor space and just sit patiently waiting for prayer call to pass. Others walk about aimlessly. Many just stand leaning against walls and door entrances tapping away on their cellphones, no doubt playing the newest version of Candy Crush.

Oftentimes, I will wander into the bathroom during prayer call to watch the women shed their veils and abayas and chat and gossip as they touch up their lipstick, eyeliner and curled coifs. As a child it amazed me how beautifully the Saudi women dressed under their concealing, black, religiously-sanctioned robes and veils. I couldn’t understand why they would put so much effort into doing their hair and make up when no one would see it. It wasn’t until I moved back to Saudi as an adult that I began to understand the phenomenon. Appearances are everything in Saudi Arabia. It isn’t only what you look like, but whom you know and whom you associate with. One’s reputation is everything. Though Westerners care about their looks and reputations as well, in Saudi these things rank supreme. It is difficult to explain, but it is a way of life that is deeply rooted in traditional tribal codes of conduct.

Unable to understand the stunning women’s animated Arabic conversations, I slip out of the bathroom after a few minutes and check my phone to see how much longer I have until prayer is over. I have an app on my phone that tells me when prayer call is and how much longer until the next one.  Prayer usually only lasts about thirty minutes, although sometimes (oftentimes) store clerks and owners are slow to get back to work and deal with the demands of others. And truth be told, I can’t say that I necessarily blame them.

The key to surviving in Saudi Arabia as a westerner is to simply embrace the crazy. Ladies, embrace the veil and the abaya. It’s honestly a relief to wear sometimes – no one ever knows that I’m walking out and about in just my pajama bottoms and a sports bra! Bad hair day? Not a big deal with a loosely draped veil over those untamed locks. Prayer call screwing up your schedule? What a great excuse to arrive late to events you don’t want to go to or to catch up on emails or social media. Segregated restaurants and lack of quality food frustrating you? What a wonderful opportunity to buy a cookbook and learn how to make different types of meals. The lack of social opportunities in Saudi can certainly be frustrating, especially for young, single people like myself, but on the other hand, it allows me to spend my time doing more productive and healthy things, like go to the gym, write and cook healthy meals. The secret to happiness, in any country or situation is to focus on the positives. Life is all about perspective. I could easily let the religious and societal rules of Saudi Arabia drive me into insanity, but I choose to focus my attention on energy on the things I can do as opposed to complain about the things I can’t. As a result, I am able to deal with difficult situations in a healthy and meaningful way. Life is what you chose for it to be. So I choose to smile, wander and make the most of the thirty minutes of stillness that is prayer call. 

Week 3: "Bright Lights and a Renewed Sense of Hope"

Week 3: January 12th - 20th

I need to be much more dutiful about maintaining my writing practice. Yet I don't want to feel so obliged to my writing that I start churning out forced robotic responses about mundane issues and reflections, but I also don't want to let myself get lazy or too comfortable either. 

My graduate school online course is about to begin and I honestly couldn't be more excited to get back into the swing of things and start reading intellectually-stimulating and challenging journal articles. I look forward to engaging in dialogue with my amazing cohort of like-minded educators who continually inspire me to think more deeply and live more authentically.

Speaking of living authentically, this week I celebrated two very special AIS-R events. The first was something new: the AIS-R Foundation Gala: an expensive evening of fundraising for the school. Celebrated at the beautiful home of our high school principal, the evening felt positively star-studded. Big bulbed bright lights strung haphazardly among the trees of the sunken garden illuminated the cleanly scrubbed and made-up faces of AIS-R parents, faculty and supporters. Everyone was dressed to the nines (where does that expression come from exactly?) and looked phenomenal. The dinner was catered by the Four Seasons and I thought it was absolutely delicious. My favorite dishes were the mushroom soup - rich, aromatic and earthy - and the smoked salmon appetizer. Three people at my table didn't like smoked salmon so I was able to fill myself with three helpings of it! That and my numerous glasses of sweet red wine in the company of my dear friends made for a very joyful, if not hedonistic evening. 

I had spent the few hours leading up to the gala getting ready with my "gals". We did our hair and make up and talked frivolously. It felt like being back in high school again. 

I don't know how much money the gala raised but I am assuming it was quite a hefty load. It got me thinking about the value of an education and how so many people do not see education as an investment. I know that I currently live in an incredibly affluent part of the world and that the parents of my students are able to afford to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars on their children's education, but it is more than just money, it is about priorities. The parents of my students could just as easily spend their money on private tutors but they clearly prioritize the educational needs of their children and value the American educational system. All of my students' parents want and expect their children to attend American universities because "they are the best". Wanting the best for your child is not just an American concept. My students' parents come from all over the world. Their businesses and homes and livelihoods have been shaped outside of the United States, which finds me wondering, why do they value an American education so much? 

When I look at American public schools  today I see a wide variety of educational experiences. Some US public schools are phenomenal places of learning that value teachers by paying them well and supporting their professional growth. These schools value their parents and above all, their students. These school's commit to learning and provide safe, caring and supportive environments for all to thrive. Other schools do not. On the opposite end of the spectrum there are those US public schools that intimidate their teachers, belittle students and criticize parents. This is particularly true in impoverished school districts - namely, the ones who need the most support and encouragement. 

Why is this? Why does this happen? What is to account for the severe gap between the privileged and underprivileged? Is it really just money? Or is it something else? 

....I feel myself slipping into a discussion about socioeconomic inequalities in the United States and while I do consider this to be a worthy topic of reflection, I feel as though it is rather heavy and detracting from the original intention I had for this post. So I apologize socioeconomic gap but you are just going to have to wait. 

Fast forward to January 20th. 

One of my most favorite AIS-R days of the year....

The Terry Fox Run! 

Earlier this year I made a commitment to myself to get into better shape through running. I have started off slowly and over the past few weeks have been making better progress with my speed and distance. The Terry Fox run at our school was a short run, just a little over 2 miles. The real Terry Fox ran approximately a marathon a day! His goal was to run from the Eastern coast of Canada to the Western coast. He dipped his foot into the Atlantic and set running off for the Pacific. He was just barely 21 years old. His story is heartbreaking, but I never tire of hearing it. Diagnosed with bone cancer at the age of 18 Terry Fox's life as a normal and ordinary Canadian teenager was changed for ever. He came up with the idea of running across Canada as a way to garner attention for cancer research. Cancer in the late 80s didn't have the tremendous support or attention that it has today. Nowadays there are numerous walks, runs, marathons, events and fundraisers for cancer research, but back in Terry's time, it was still quite a hush hush issue. He made his illness and the struggle to find a cure for cancer public and inspired a generation of kids to stand up for causes he believed in. 

I tear up almost every Terry Fox day thinking about him and his story. He never got to finish his run across Canada. He died a few hundred miles before reaching the finish line. Though he did manage to run the equivalent distance of Miami to Seattle (which shockingly is only just slightly more than halfway across Canada). 

Every year the Terry Fox run reminds me to stop complaining. To step up and take action. To quit whining. To feel more grateful. I had lots of students coming up to me telling me they couldn't run because "they were sick", "they had bad shoes", "they were tired"....I smiled and half-jokingly looked at them and said, "Terry Fox had progressive cancer and only one leg and he ran about a marathon a day, what's your excuse again?". 

But Terry Fox didn't run across Canada on one leg to make others feel guilty about not running. He ran because that is all he knew how to do. He wasn't the smartest, best looking or most creative person, but he had a passion and a vision of a better world and he did what he could. We don't have to be perfect. We don't even have to succeed, but we do have to try and we do have to give it everything we've got. 

Mama Returns to the Desert!!!!!!

After 13 years, my mama, Mary Ellen Cochran, finally returns to the Kingdom! 

Though she was only able to stay for a week, it was by far the most energetic, fun, sleepless and happy week I've had in Saudi Arabia for a while! 

Every day the two of us would just wake up beaming, re-living our happy memories from years ago.  Sites and smells and faces would activate our memories and we would share our remembrances with one another fondly. 

I have honestly never seen my mother so happy. She was received like a celebrity the second she stepped foot on AIS-R's campus. Brian greeted her with a giant bouquet of flowers and a paper crown dubbing her the Queen of Hearts - a homage to her days as the elementary school counsellor. She and Brian could not stop smiling and laughing every second they were together. They have a genuine loving friendship marked by mutual admiration and respect for one another. Brian paraded my mother around the campus and I followed along sheepishly. She came to school twice and was able to sit in on me teaching and catch up with some of her old friends and colleagues. 

Every single day was filled with social gatherings. Dinners, lunches, parties.....I barely slept for the entire week that she was here. We were wined and dined by friends every evening. We barely left each other's sides except for when I had to go to school and she made the wise decision to just stay in my villa and relax. 

Now that she's gone back home to Brussels, I miss her terribly! I would love for her to come and stay with me next year for a month or two, its so nice to have a partner in crime here. My favorite day that she was here was when I took the day off work to go to the Gold Souks in Clock Tower (or "Chop Chop Square" as she fondly calls it) followed by one of the best lunches I have ever had in The Globe restaurant atop Faisaliah Tower. 

I feel so grateful to have such wonderful and supportive parents. They love me unconditionally - more than themselves and have always encouraged me to pursue anything of my heart's desire. They seldom told me "no" and always filled me with positive ideals about the world and myself. 

Thank you Mom for being the greatest mother in the world! 

I love you with all my soul. 

Mama in the gold souk......gold gold everywhere!

Had enough gold? How about some diamonds....

Mom by Masmak Fort just outside the souk

SMILE!!! 

Mom in her favorite place....chop chop square (she was convinced the guy in the background was washing away blood)

Hello from the Clocktower

View from the Globe (top of Faisaliah Tower)

Isn't she cute.....

Kingdom Tower in the background

Mom really liked these sparkly stairs...

Our table for two

Mom's delicious sea food plate. It tasted like the ocean!

My meal -- a deliciously succulent lamb steak on a bed of risotto and wild mushrooms

View of downtown Riyadh

Mom and I went out to the observation deck....we are reflected in the Globe

Reflective Mama relaxing after our meal.....

Desert Love

Photos from my trip to the Edge of the World. 

One of the most beautiful places on earth. I could hardly breathe in response to all the beauty around me. 

I feel so happy, calm and inspired in the desert. There is something so beautiful about it's barrenness that stimulates the mind's imagination and inspires thoughts of reflection and wonder. 

Words honestly cannot do this place justice. So I shall speak through my armature iPhone photography

My 26th Birthday

This past weekend was my 26th birthday. 

It was an absolutely blissful whirlwind of a weekend full of softball games, aerial yoga, laughing, drinking, dancing, socializing, eating and friendship. I still find myself amazed at how full and vibrant of a life one can lead here in Saudi Arabia. It takes a great deal of planning, organizing and dedication, but it definitely can be done!

I began the birthday weekend with getting my hair done at Yibreen spa on Thursday evening, quickly followed by margaritas at my superintendent's house (who I honestly don't think of as my "boss", but more of a wonderful and supportive family friend -- I realize that may be odd, but that is the international teaching community for you)

Friday morning I woke up with a bit of a hangover, but I was full of excitement for the softball game ahead. We played our first game at 9 am and were crushed by a Raytheon team from Jeddah. We only had nine players on our team and two of them had never even played softball before! I had fun and enjoyed myself but it never feels good to lose.

Right after the softball game I sprinted to Kore Studios, a new all-women's gym here in Saudi (is there any other kind?) to attend my very first Aerial Yoga class. The gym was absolutely gorgeous -- I wanted to live there. Stunning facilities and fitness rooms and ambiance. Quite expensive, obviously, but great for a fun workout class every now and then! They even have a fully equipped Crossfit gym! 

After the amazingly rejuvenating (and slightly painful) yoga class, I grabbed a healthy juice and then bolted back to the softball field to play another game and lose yet again....I played well. Had a few errors, but on the whole didn't feel like the worst player out there! I care about winning but I also just love being out there on the field no matter what. The pressure and stress isn't there because this is just a recreational sports league. It isn't life or death (although some of the military guys tend to treat it as such....)

I returned home after my long day of athletics to quickly shower, shop and run around the house with only minutes to spare to prepare my villa for my party. I was genuinely late to my own party! Fortunately I have some incredibly friends who helped me prepare the food and drinks and set up. It took me over an hour to stop running around the house getting drinks and snacks for people --- I needed to make sure that everything was perfect -- but at last I was able to settle down and enjoy myself! 

I had all of my different friend groups presents -- my teaching friends, my childhood friends, my volleyball friends and my softball friends. Though I was initially worried that people would break off into their own little circles and cliques, everyone actually got along perfectly! I loved seeing my different worlds collide. It made me feel so happy and fortunate. I have so many wonderful, supportive, inspiring and positive people in my life. 

That is really what life is about isn't it?

I feel so full of Gratitude for my friends, both new and old ones. It is easy to let the isolation and segregation of Saudi Arabia get to you -- though I have a very busy and fulfilling life, I will not lie that the loneliness does get to me from time to time, but surrounding myself with positive and encouraging people is what keeps me going and inspires me to continue to challenge myself and take risks in life. 

Branching Out

Within these past few weeks I have become freshly inspired to write and explore more about Saudi Arabia. This has happened for a number of reasons....

Firstly, I fell for a Saudi boy. Though we had dinner dates and enjoyed each other's company, in the end our affections fizzled out because regardless of how hard we tried to ignore the inevitable, the truth was that no matter how much we liked each other or got along, he "wants" to marry a Saudi girl and live a traditional Saudi life. He once told me that he had "no control" over his life. Though many people consider Saudi men to have it made when it comes to their freedoms (they can travel freely, do not need permission to enter certain areas, can drive, do not need to cover) their personal lives are really no more free than their female counterparts. They are very limited by their families demands and expectations.

Secondly, I realized that that no matter how much I may "love" and be inspired by Saudi Arabia, Saudi Arabia will never love me back. No matter how hard I try or how tolerant I am, I will never be a part of this world. I will never be fully accepted by this society. I may be respected, but I will never be accepted.

Thirdly, I'm beginning to think about my future and where I see myself in five or ten years. I want to go to graduate school and I would like to find someone to spend my life with. I also ache to have more control over my daily life and actions. I want to drive and go out without an abaya and go on dates and walk on sidewalks and laugh and dance in public. I don't want to constantly be looking over my shoulder for the Ha'ia (religious police) or worry that I may inadvertently be breaking a law.

So I've started to take a deeper look into this country I have idealized for so long. I am actively making friends in the Riyadh community by attending as many social events as I can find. The majority are centered around the embassies which is wonderful for making connections and socializing, but they are seldom with Saudis. I recently wrote about going to two art shows here in Riyadh and those were wonderful. Though I did not feel as though the occasions allowed for me to "make friends", I still benefited from the experience of doing something out in the city without being surrounded by westerners. I was (and still am) blown away by the artistic talents of the Saudi men and women whose work I saw featured. I have started following many of these young artists on Instagram and am reminded daily of their skills and artistry. They are truly inspirational to me. 

In an effort to maintain my writing and motivate myself to write more thoughtfully and frequently, I have started reading the blogs of other women living in Saudi Arabia. The three blogs below have become new addictions of mine. The first is an American woman going through a divorce with her Saudi husband (it is beautifully and heart-breakingly written) The second is an American woman happily married to a Saudi man. The third is a Saudi woman, mother of three and a postgraduate at a Saudi university. This one is probably my favorite because I appreciate her honesty, intellect and insights on relevant and controversial topics in the Kingdom.


Under the Abaya
http://undertheabaya.wordpress.com/

The Same Rainbows End
http://thesamerainbowsend.com/

Saudi Woman's Weblog
http://saudiwoman.me/



Though none of these women work full time (I so debated writing that because I know being a mother is a full time job and all three of these women have children, but for the purposes of my argument I am referring to professional jobs) and therefore have more time to write and update their blogs, they have nonetheless inspired me to take my writing more seriously and commit to telling my story and the stories of others in this misunderstood country. 

But why? Why write? What purpose does writing and blogging serve? 

Honestly, I've always considered my writing to be for me and me alone. It's selfish. I write for me. Writing has always been my form of therapy and I struggled to find justification for inflicting my thoughts on others. I began this blog as a means to communicate with my family and friends about my life here, far away from them, as most of my family does not have Facebook and it is important for them to hear from me and know how I am doing. Yet as I've begun to read more and more blogs and published personal narratives I could not help but think that writing and communicating my story could also inspire others. Maybe my words could strike a chord in someone and inspire them to write or travel or go into teaching. I still struggle with the concept of publishing my thoughts; after all, who am I, what qualifications or rights do I have to comment upon themes of love, life and education? In the end I overcame my doubts by reminding myself that we all have to start somewhere. I may not be the smartest, wittiest, most creative or eloquent, but I have passion and I have potential....and if all else fails, I have my mom, who will read any piece of garbage I write and call it Shakespeare (love you Mom, probably the only person who will read this). 

Photo Credit: Cody Schellenberger