On Love

I usually never talk about my feelings or emotions openly. Even my very best friends in the entire world  have to pry out information from me. Though I can appear flirtatious and confident around men, that is purely an external construct. Deep down, I'm terrified.

The truth is....contrary to the secure, happy, independent, confident persona I put forth, I am deeply insecure when it comes to men and relationships. I can juggle all sorts of obstacles  and I will happily challenge myself professionally, spiritually, and physically...but when it comes to emotions, I feel like I'm lost in an abyss. I don't know what to do or say, I second guess myself and I feel afraid.

This is a difficult thing for me to admit, considering how so many people see me as a shining example of strength, grace and confidence, but I believe that in order for a person to truly love and accept themselves they must first acknowledge their shortcomings. I am scared of letting people in emotionally. Mainly because I am scared of getting hurt. I fall for people easily and I attach to people easily but I set myself up for disappointment and heartbreak because I create unrealistically high expectations for others.  Do I do that as a defense? Do I set these high expectations knowing that men will inevitably fall short of them and therefore I am able to spare myself the more agonizing pain of acknowledging that I may be the one less than worthy? Perhaps...

Living in such an insular, family-centered community (and country) has forced me to reflect deeply upon my own life and the people in it that I love and care about. Though I'm in no rush to get married or have children any time soon, I would like to think that I am at least heading in that general direction. I'd like to think that I am now building a life for myself that is open to the possibility of finding love.

It's been almost four years since I've been in a serious relationship. I fell for one guy this past year. We connected effortlessly and looked perfect on paper, but he wasn't in a good place emotionally to commit to being in a serious relationship. He's now one of my closest friends, but in the end...he too is a "failed" relationship. I often fantasize about being with him. The man that I can't have. Once again, setting high hopes and expectations that can never be realized, thus feeding into my self-destructive cycle of negativity and heartbreak concerning men. Why do I do this to myself?

Some people may theorize that it is because deep down I don't think that I'm deserving of love. While I've considered that hypothesis I don't believe it to be true. I do deserve love. Over the past few years I have strengthened myself physically and spiritually. I have worked hard and achieved tremendous success in my life. Though I still struggle with minor lapses in self-confidence, I do love myself and am proud of all that I have accomplished in my young adult life.

So why then do I still feel as though I need a man in my life? I don't need a care-giver, financial stability or security. I already have all of those things. So what exactly am I looking for?

I guess the only answer I can think of right now, is that I'd just like someone to share my life with. Not define my life. Not change my life. Not improve my life. Just share my life.

Image I snapped of a man walking alone down a
highway outside Riyadh....

Life for a single woman in Saudi can feel very trapped.
I actually felt jealous of this man's "freedom" to walk outside
uncovered and without fear of persecution.

Happiness is only half as powerful when experienced alone. 

Despite the male-dominated culture that so defines daily life here, and the conservative social conventions that are so revered, living in Saudi Arabia has actually made me greatly appreciate being single. I look around and see so many couples that are glued to the hip and seem to have no other sense of being other than as a significant "other". I see husbands who look bored and worn down and wives that have become resentful and passive aggressive. I have been told on numerous occasions by both men and women how lucky I am to be single. How I should wait as long as possible before I get married. Of course, not all married couples feel this way. There are many husbands and wives I've befriended who have extremely healthy and fulfilling marriages. Therefore, I ask myself -- why aren't all marriages successful? This is where my conundrum begins. Are we, as humans, supposed to be monogamous? Are we supposed to find a life partner to settle down with and call it quits on forging loving bonds with the rest of humankind? My thoughts start spinning out of control at this point. I start to envision alternate worlds and societies in which both men and women are free to be whatever they want to be. I imagine a world without societal expectations or conventions. I imagine a world where the words "should", "must", and "have to" don't exist. 

It frustrates me that the dating world has become one big game / psychological experiment / casino / boxing ring. Men and women have always kept "secrets" from each other about what their true intentions may be, but now, thanks to dating guidebooks, blogs and relationship "experts", those tricks and underlying motives are being revealed. Men and women have learned the "secrets" of the opposite sex (what women want / what men want) and they both then use that information to manipulate settings and scenarios in order to achieve a specific objective based on a predictable outcome. That objective could be sex, friendship, a steady relationship or marriage. This saddens me because I quite enjoyed the land of ignorant bliss. I used to dream that I would find the love of my life sporadically -- running into each other in a bookstore or bonding over our shared love of a particular artist in a museum. Now, unfortunately, whenever I meet someone new my brain instantly gets into "game play" mode: I start to immediately wonder where he's from, what he does, is he a player, is he desperate, what's his angle, what does he want in life, could he be my boyfriend, could he be my husband, could I see myself with this man for years, how many girlfriends has he had before me....? Before I know it, my head is spinning in circles, my heart is fluttering, I start trying too hard to "act cool" and impress him and presto -- the magic of romance has vanished! 

When did love become so high stakes? When did love start becoming an objective as opposed to a feeling? When did love stop being inconvenient and irrational to being "a promise" (dating websites such as Match and eHarmony claim that you will find love "guaranteed" in your first 6 months)?

I always thought that love was something that just happened. Something that couldn't be controlled. Something that couldn't be forced. Now, I'm being told that young, single women such as myself should be actively seeking love out. I should be putting myself out there and dating numerous men in order to land "the one". I should be open and available and compassionate to men in order to "win them over".  I know that I should stick to my beliefs and live life according to my own rules, but I cannot help but wonder if love has indeed evolved? Are my romantic ideals now obsolete? Do I need to get with the program? 

I don't have all the answers, nor do I even have that strong of an understanding of the world, but this much I know to be true: I have myself. Every single day I wake up, eat, go to work and live my life with myself. No one can ever separate me from myself and no one can ever replace myself. To accept this truth is to understand that one is never truly alone. We always have ourselves for company. I can challenge myself, inspire myself and love myself. Does this mean I'm giving up on life and love? Of course not. On the contrary, it means I can finally start living it. 

Reigning in the New Year with positivity, love and laughter.