Social Butterflying

This past Thursday I went to the British Embassy to attend a jewelry party by a well-known Saudi British designer named Ranya Seraj. Her line is called "Terra Eclat". She makes absolutely beautiful hand-crafted jewelry from raw and natural materials, metals and stones. I bought myself a beautiful aquamarine silver ring as an early Birthday present! 

Though I attended the garden party with some of my teaching friends/colleagues, I met some very interesting people including the jewelry designer herself and a young Saudi photographer. He was very kind and after I smiled at him trying to take a candid picture of me, we started chatting about culture and life and living in Saudi Arabia. He photographs mostly cityscapes but is hired to photograph at private events and functions in Riyadh. He's made me curious about the art scene here in Riyadh and since meeting him I have started looking up young modern Saudi artists and have been surprised to find a burgeoning underground contemporary art scene. I'm discovering all this via Instagram. Its pretty fascinating and is inspiring me to go out more and meet people in the city. I don't know why I thought I could only attend western-sponsored events, I'd like to go to Saudi art galleries and other quiet functions and meet actual Saudi people: young and passionate professionals like myself. True, language is a barrier, but I've been pleasantly surprised by the number of people who speak English quite well here. Saudi Arabia has a huge number of over-educated (as well as its fair share of grossly under-educated) young professionals looking for opportunities to grow and change things. 

Here are some pictures of the jewelry party by my new photographer friend, Thamer (to protect his privacy I won't divulge his full name).

** The last two are my favorite!

Proud Teaching Moments

Just a random assortment of pictures that capture some of my favorite teaching moments from this school year. 

I honestly find at least one thing every single day that inspires me or makes me feel happy to be a teacher. There are tough days and frustrating incidents constantly, and having come from working in a challenging alternative public school, I have come to expect a great deal of difficulty and frustration when it comes to teaching. That being said, as a result of those early "tough experiences" I am much more appreciative of those great moments whenever they do come along. I have a profound appreciation for the small acts and moments of joy in the classroom. That really is the key to finding happiness isn't it? Being grateful for the "little things"? I cherish them all and use them to fuel my determination to get through the tough times....

Recent gift from a student. It brought me to tears. She made me these bracelets and wrote me a moving note thanking me for listening to her and for inspiring her to think of herself in a more positive light and not put herself down so much. A powerful reminder to myself to take my own advice....

These are some of my freshmen girls who I ran alongside during the Terry Fox run. They have adopted my little stuffed pug (naming him "Winston") and have made him our official class mascot. Their positivity and spirit and energy inspire me to laugh and embrace the ridiculousness of life. 

Yes...."Winston" the pug is a popular class pet. Though I don't love the fact that my student fell asleep in class, the fact is he didn't even need to show up that day (senior mock exams), so I was touched that he felt comfortable enough to fall asleep in my room! 

Whenever my boys make misogynistic or degrading comments about women I make them wear my abaya in class. I have seen a SIGNIFICANT reduction in bigoted comments! 
Nothing like a little public shaming to make a point....

After a rough day in class a few weeks ago (some freshman boys just couldn't stop laughing and being immature little hyenas impeding me from moving forward with the unit I was teaching) two of my girls brought me these personalized cupcakes to "cheer me up"! I was blown away by their thoughtfulness. It's these little acts of kindness that reaffirm my faith in humanity and inspire me to work hard to spread kindness through education. 

Taking one of my seniors on a tour of Boston schools to complete his interviews this winter. Though he can't apply to Wellesley  I just couldn't resist the opportunity to show him my alma matter and my beloved Shakespeare house and share my memories of the place and love for Shakespeare (he had just finished being taught Hamlet....) 

After I helped one of my students prepare for his RADA audition in London, he thanked me by brining me the program for one of my favorite musicals (that I have yet to have the good fortune to see). Was a very thoughtful and kind gesture that brightened my morning! 

One of my former students in Chelsea. This girl is a phenomenal young woman who has fallen off the road to success again and again but she keeps coming back! Though she is now a mother, she has a plan to stay on track with school via home tutoring! Though I do not condone teenage pregnancy, I think it is important to be supportive of the choices teenagers make and regardless of my personal opinion, I need to be a loving and compassionate resource to her to help her achieve success (as opposed to turning my back and condemning her actions) 

 Another student who had had a tough journey. He's had lots of bumps along the way and unfair obstacles thrown in his direction, but he too keeps fighting and coming back and motivating himself to preserve his education and advance himself and way of life. A sweet and caring young man who I am proud to have taught. 

Visiting my former school and students this past Christmas was truly heartbreaking. The second I stepped inside the high school building and walked down my former teaching corridor  I felt a powerful sense of remorse for having left them to come to Saudi. They need me, they need good, passionate, and energetic teachers. How could I have left them? For what? For "adventure", "success", for selfish personal reasons? What I wouldn't give to have them all come to school here in Saudi! The support and education they could receive were they privileged enough to come to a school like this would be astronomical. All children deserve an amazing education. All children deserve quality teachers. All children deserve a chance to succeed. 

Success cannot be defined by test scores or income or nationality. Likewise, "quality" teachers cannot be "made" through meaningless and expensive professional development sessions or workshops. True education happens between real humans. Young, old, rich poor. Not machines or tests or manuals or strategies. True education is honest and genuine interactions between humans. That is the secret to being an effective and powerful teacher. Just tell the truth and love your students so much it hurts. 

For the Women....

I've been thinking a lot recently about the women of Saudi.

The wives. The daughters. The sisters. Native Saudi women, foreign-women-who-married-Saudis, rich women, poor women, successful women, underprivileged women. There are many different types of women in Saudi and while we are all different and unique in our own way, we are united by a common curse. The inability to love freely.

Life for women here isn't all bad. Some would even say that it is preferable! There are many protections and luxuries for women in the Kingdom. Indeed, I feel safer and more cared for and revered in this country than I have in almost any other place in the world. I have professional drivers divert me through city traffic and patiently wait for me outside of malls and compounds. I have male friends who offer to bring me home after parties or dinners so I won't have to stand around waiting or spend money getting a driver. As a western woman I am free to think, read, socialize and work here. But I am not free to love.

Books have been written extensively about this subject and while I hardly consider myself qualified to analyze the depth and complexity of Western relations in the Arab world, two recent conversations with Arab friends (one male and one female) have solidified the concept for me. Naive though I may be, and a die-hard romantic, my walls have come shattering down and I have been forced to accept the fact that Western women and Saudi men cannot have lifelong fulfilling loving relationships.

Now is that necessary for relationships to be made or even to flourish? Of course not. There are many happy and successful marriages here and close knit relationships between men and women, however what I have found is that there are many different TYPES of love in this world and in Saudi Arabia, free love is not possible here. 

My observations: the majority of wives of Saudi men do not speak out and assert themselves, they follow their husbands around from place to place and in the case of a woman possessing the qualities or strength and leadership skills she will likely leave the country and be apart from her husband for months at a time. Relationships here are vastly different from those I grew up around -- where husband and wife were equals and where both were appreciated and made compromises and balanced their life so that each could live happily. In Saudi the women do most of the compromising. Western women who have fallen in love with Saudi men must deal with a tremendous deal of scrutiny. They must watch what they say, how they dress, who they associate with, and how they spend their time. In addition, they are often subjected to criticism from the Saudi "family" or tribe. Women all around the world must deal with societal and familial pressures and expectations, but the trouble here in Saudi Arabia is that western women are so far removed from one's "native" culture that there is little here to bring them comfort and solace. In theory, it should be husband that provides his wife with that reassuring affection and support, yet the men here struggle as well. They have inordinate amounts of pressure on themselves to uphold their bonds of honor, leadership, power and loyalty. They are also not free.

I struggle with these thoughts and ideas because I have always believed that that "love can conquer all" and that true love between people from different worlds/religions/societies could overcome prejudice, traditions and oppression. Love should be complicated and inconvenient but it must also be fulfilling and joyous.

My Saudi male friends are very good to me and treat me with dignity and respect, but I also know that they would never regard me as a "potential wife" because I am not a part of their world. I may love Saudi Arabia and revel in its history and traditions, but it is not my world. In these modern times, young Saudi men are looking to solidify their family bonds and strengthen their family names. With the influx of foreigners into the Kingdom over the past 30 years, most Saudi families are now rather heterogeneous. It would seem that most parents are strongly encouraging their sons to marry Saudi women as an attempt to keep their heritage and traditions alive.

I cannot help but wonder whether or not this is right. My initial reaction is that this kind of thinking is holding Saudi society back. Whenever I go out into the city I see a country full of potential. This place is just bursting to evolve and advance. They are on the threshold....but seem resistant to taking the leap of faith.

As always.....I believe it comes back to the women. Women -- you are the agents of change. You are the ones who can make it happen.

While I may never be accepted into Saudi society, as a woman I feel it is my duty to empower my fellow sisters and provide them with all the support I am capable of. But how do I do that exactly? How do I aid in their self-empowerment? I have very few Saudi female friends, so how can I reach out to a community that strives to remain private? Oh, I wish I knew.....inshallah one day the answer will come to me. 

Artwork of Fida Alhussan:

Many of the women [in her paintings] are in alluring colors and outlandish garments. “You are strong and powerful with all of your colors,” says Alhussan firmly. “I want to represent women as able. Women in Arab societies are confined, but I work with non-Arab models to prove that you, women, are all the same. You have the same ambitions; same thoughts; same aspirations. Your headscarf does not prevent or diminish your freedom. You don’t have to be blonde or possess European features to be accepted by others.” 

Writer's Block (Belated Updates)

It would appear as though I have contracted a mild case of writer's block since I've returned to the Kingdom. It has been four months since I've even opened this blog and my regular journal writing has been inconsistent at best. Several factors are sure to have contributed to this: firstly, I am much more socially active this year and am spending most of my free time at the gym, teaching yoga, going out with friends or catching up on my reading and film watching. I have thrown myself into my work and my extra "free" hours at school are spent grading, planning or helping students. Though last year was more stressful in terms of my teaching load and commitment to the prom committee, I feel like I had so much more time last year to write during my prep periods and after school. I fear I have become a little too popular at school and seldom am able to find the time to just sit and reflect without being interrupted by students needing help or company. 

But the time has come to get back into the habit of writing! My life seems to be flying by. I blink and a week goes by. I must maintain my writing. I am living such a unique life and having such incredible experiences, I can't keep my thoughts and excitement to myself. So here I go -- time to jump back into the writer's saddle....I'm going to try and be less of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing and just "get the ideas down" while they're fresh in my head. I'm not trying to win a Nobel prize for literature. 


UPDATES

I've Applied to Graduate School!

Fingers crossed.
I decided to apply to graduate school this year for two reasons. The first being that all of my best friends are in graduate school or have already earned their Masters and though I am loathe to admit it, I do compare myself to others - especially those I love and admire. This past New Years I realized that so many people around me had Masters Degrees that it made me greedy for one as well. Though I hardly feel as though I've "wasted my time" these past four years out of college, I do think the time has come for me to step back into a classroom and be a student myself. I am so excited to be back to writing papers, analyzing articles, getting access to professional academic resources.....oh and lectures! How I miss lectures!


I'm Teaching Yoga!

Private lessons twice a week to my friend Melissa at school and twice a week to my new friends Zaid and Zaid on the compound. I will admit it is sometimes exhausting to get myself up and lead a yoga class, but I always feel amazing afterwards. I feel uncomfortable charging people to do yoga with me, but I guess its not different than being a personal fitness trainer? I have a unique skill to impart onto others, why shouldn't I get paid to share my knowledge and help people improve their bodies and minds?


I Am Traveling to Cambodia in February 

I will be traveling with a group of 30 students to Cambodia on a service learning trip. We are predominantly going to be spending time in Siem Reap, doing some historical visits/learning as well doing a small community service project. I am so excited for this opportunity to see Cambodia! True, I wish it wasn't with students in tow (because I will have to be "on the clock" the entire time and be keeping a careful watch on my students so that they stay safe), but I am beyond thrilled nonetheless for this opportunity.



I Am Doing a Lot of Reflecting About Life Here....

I keep thinking about my life here and Saudi and am constantly weighing the pros and cons of living here. There are days when I feel lonely and think that I should return to America and try and find someone to spend my life, but then there are days where I feel so free and independent here that I cannot imagine sacrificing all these potential adventures and opportunities just for the sake of having someone to come home to at the end of my day. After having read Sex at Dawn, I've started questioning modern relationships and while I still consider myself a fervent romantic (who believes in a highly intelligent, successful, accomplished, kind and loving Prince Charming to whisk me away into a sunset....) I have begun to doubt traditional monogamous relationships and have observed them being more detrimental to people's happiness than beneficial.

These are fleeting thoughts -- my views are by no means solidified. As I said, I go back and forth with my ideas constantly. Like every human on this planet, I am just looking for my own kind of happiness. I live my life and I strive to be a good and selfless human. Living here obviously forces me to put myself and my needs first which I worry about. I don't like to be selfish, yet I know I am. Yet is this just being a "young adult"? I keep being told over and over again that I am "so young" and should just "take advantage of everything", that sounds great, but I cannot help but be mildly resistant to the idea. Shouldn't I be spending my life doing something more meaningful? Thank God I love teaching. I feel as though I have the greatest job in the world and working with children and challenging them and making them think and discuss and analyze literature brings me such joy and fulfillment. Yes there are parts of the job that frustrate me, but on the whole I feel energized and empowered when working with teenagers and helping them shape and define their ideas and concepts about the world.


And Some Pictures....

Let them speak for themselves

Year Two in the Kingdom

My second year living and working in Saudi Arabia has begun so much more quickly than I could have imagined. I landed in Riyadh a little over a month ago and since then I have been working non-stop. In that short span of time I have only had one weekend to myself. Every other weekend has been jam-packed with professional development, welcome-back parties, embassy events and other social gatherings. I feel energized, inspired and enthusiastic but now that a four-day weekend approaches, I am beginning to finally realize how exhausted I've truly been. 

My summer was wonderful and refreshing. It went by too fast and I barely conquered a third of the goals I had set for myself at the start of the season, but I have no regrets. I spent some well-needed (and well-deserved, if I may say so myself) quality time with friends and family. I travelled, I made impulsive decisions and I allowed myself to take advantage of all the freedoms and opportunities that presented themselves to me. I didn't hold back and I allowed myself to feel good and enjoy my life. 

Now that I'm back in Riyadh I will admit that things do feel slightly different. The honeymoon haze has worn off slightly and I've found myself growing frustrated with certain aspects of my life here. I am really resentful of my inability to get around by myself. I am frustrated by the fact that I can never just "go out". Everything in my life must be planned and organized in advance. As a result, I must be in much more control than is desirable. I have no impulsivity in my life, nor do I have the chance to just enjoy the present moment because I am constantly thinking ahead about all the things I need to do and plan. 

Professionally -- I am feeling great! With a year of teaching here under my belt I feel much more confident in myself and my abilities. I am more familiar with the curriculum and the students in general. I know what to do to push them and I know when I need to hold back. I have pre-established relationships with students that allow me to do my job a lot more effectively. I can depend on certain students to help me plan events (a necessity due to the fact that I am now the Student Council advisor) and I have a handful of students I can look to in each of my classes to ensure that everyone is happy and working hard. It is very comforting and I feel very grateful to be at a school like this.  My colleagues are incredibly supportive, hard-working and inspirational. I genuinely believe that this is one of the greatest English departments in the world. We are all young, enthusiastic about literature and genuinely positive people. I cannot praise my co-workers enough. I don't feel like I'm being watched or scrutinized or evaluated every two seconds. I am trusted not only by my students, but by my administrators and parents. It is a tremendous feeling and one that sadly very few teachers get to experience.

Socially I have set some small goals for myself...I would like to attempt to ingratiate myself into the Saudi community. I would like to forge meaningful friendships with Saudi men and especially women. I'd like to establish a life for myself outside of school. I'm currently looking into opportunities to do volunteer work at hospitals or potentially at women's shelters (a pipe-dream, I doubt a Western women would be able to gain access to such "forbidden" places). I would also like to try and see if I could join a women's gym. Again, it may be very difficult for me to gain access to such restricted places, but I am going to do my best and use my limited resources and means to try and achieve these goals. 

A Call to Action

I have just turned over the last page of Jonathan Kozol's book, The Shame of the Nation. A powerful narrative about the inequality and injustices present in American society -- specifically with regards to our public education system.

I feel....inspired.
I want to write, talk, debate, fight, advocate and speak up.

I feel....helpless.
What am I doing about this? What knowledge do I have? What expertise do I possess about a matter this profound and important and significant? What can I possibly contribute to the cause? What difference can I make?

I feel....guilty.
I left my students in Chelsea. I left to pursue a better life and opportunity for myself. There was still so much work left for me to do there...

I feel...confident.
Though I now teach at a private international school in the Middle East, I know that I am a good teacher. I love my job, I love my students. I am successful, I am well liked and I am an effective teacher. My students are able to learn from me and make strides in their learning. I go above and beyond the requirements of me as a a mere "teacher" and I pour my entire heart and soul into my work. 

I feel....powerful.
I will return to the United States some day. I will make a difference and I will not allow my country to continue to bury these underprivileged children into the ground. I will come back some day and fight for them. I just need to build myself up a little bit more: financially, emotionally and intellectually. I will return to the United States stronger than ever.


I have always said that my heart got left in Saudi Arabia years ago as a child. Now that I have moved back to the desert, I feel whole again. I feel complete. I am happier than I have ever been and I feel as though I am doing meaningful and fulfilling work. Teaching is by no means an easy job. I come home every day after school exhausted and stressed, but never have I felt as though I ever "wasted" a day. Regardless of how draining a day I have,  I always feel as though I have accomplished some thing. It may not necessarily be particularly poignant, but small gains are what keep me going as an educator. Small joys + small successes = big overall gains.

Kozol's book left me thinking deeply about myself and my life. I have always believed that I was put here on this planet to make a difference in some way. I often talk about how I feel destined for greatness. While immersed in the pages of Kozol's direct and vivid prose, I could imagine myself as a lawyer, a senator, a congresswoman, a policy maker, an advocate, a principal, a civil rights activist....I saw myself fighting against "the system" and writing articles, expose, proposals, grants, bills and books aimed at making a difference and overturning the American public system of education. I began to think about what I would need to do to make these dreams become realities:

I would need to go to grad school. Get a Masters in Educational and Social Policy and then turn that Masters in a Ed.D. I would then need to go to law school. I would then need to get a job working for a educational or public policy think tank. I would need to get a publisher. I would need to make connections.

The ideas just won't stop bubbling up to the surface.

I realize that this mode of thinking is fueled by pure adrenaline. I am in "summer mode" and my judgement is clouded by the superficial sense of ease and freedom I have now that I am not working. I am a dreamer. As much as the idea of giving up my comfortable teaching life to enter the world of policy making appeals to me right now, I cannot say with complete conviction that this is something I am going to actually do. Its exciting to imagine that alternative life for myself. Its exciting to think that I very easily could give up my teaching career in Saudi and move back to Boston and attend graduate school in the hopes of landing a job as a policy maker. I already have connections in the educational policy world of Massachusetts.

So what is stopping me? Why aren't I compelled by a sense of duty and purpose to give up my comfortable teaching life and work as an educational policy activist?

Why?

Why do I always make the safe choice? Why do I take the easy way out? Why don't I take more risks? It's not that I'm fearful of failure....what is it? I don't consider myself to be particularly timid. On the contrary, I am always among the first of my friends to try new things, put myself out there and take the first step into a new venture. So why am I so resistant to giving up this happy, successful and "safe" life for work that could potentially change the world?

Fear of disappointing others? Myself?

I am trying to be as open and hones with myself as possible, but I genuinely cannot see the answer to this question. I cannot get past my mental defenses and see what is truly motivating me and my decisions. Am I allowing myself to continue driving forward or am I beginning to take my foot off the gas and settle into cruise control? Not yet, I tell myself, not yet. There are still miles to go and rubber to burn before I let myself settle for anything!

I Did It!!!!!

As of 4 pm yesterday I officially finished my first year of teaching in an international school! 

My third year of teaching total!

Three years down, a lifetime to go...

My "countdown" since the start of the year....
(Not like I was impatient or anything)
I still can't believe its actually been a year!

Exams and Essays ALL GRADED!!!!
This took me about 4 days of tireless reading and marking through the night to achieve...

I feel so happy right now. I'm simply elated. No words can even begin to describe how happy and calm and "at peace" I feel right now. It is done. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I'm done. 

These past few weeks have been excruciatingly exhausting. The weeks and days leading up to the Prom (May 31st)  found me sleepless, appetite-less and utterly restless as I ran around organizing, leading, planning, paying, painting and gluing the pieces of "the biggest event of the year" together. Though I was incredibly stressed, the event went on without a hitch. The students were happy, the administration was happy and I was happy that it was finally over! Prom was absolutely beautiful and I couldn't have been more proud of the students who stood by my side and dreamed this entire thing into life. As much as I complained and agonized about this responsibility in private to my friends and family, it made me feel so good to help make my students' dreams come true. 

Prom Set Up....the magic begins....

Students arriving to Prom...in, you know, their Ferrari's and things....

A Night to Remember......(8 Months to Plan)

Once prom was over I thought my life would finally regain some sense of normalcy, but no. Then came exams. 

And then came a cheating scandal.

Long story short: one of my sneaky tenth grade students discovered a folder of mine in which I had placed the answers to the ninth grade exam (let me first of all say that I never make answer keys for this very reason, but the English teaching substitute I work with asked me to make one to help her mark the exam). Within a mere second the student took out his phone, snapped a picture of the answers and sent it off to his ninth grade girlfriend who proceeded to distribute the answers to practically the entire grade.  We caught three of the cheaters red-handed on the day of the exam (they had brought little cheat sheets into the exam room with them) and, through tireless investigating on the part of the high school principals, have identified several more students who were involved in this major breach of the school's honor policy. 

It was an incredibly painful ordeal. Painful for me because at first I felt a tremendous amount of guilt (thinking that I should have had the answer key locked in my desk instead of on top of my desk) and then after I accepted that it was not my fault, my principal tells me that he discovered at least five other subject exams that had been compromised! Though I realize that shouldn't have made me "feel better" it did help me take the blame off myself.  Clearly these students were on a mission...

After that first day, I felt frustrated and angry; not just for the inconvenience of having to re-write the exam and make every ninth grader re-take it, but for the stress and anguish this put so many of my sweet and honest students through. Each of them were interrogated like criminals (ironic considering my last place of employment) and made to feel guilty for not coming forward with information before the exam took place. Now I do not condone their behavior by any means, and I am very disappointed that many of my most trusted and mature students did not come forward, but I also remember what it was like to be fourteen and how terrifying it is to think that you could get in trouble for just speaking up. For the past few days I have had at least ten different students in my room crying (both boys and girls). Crying about the stress this has caused them, the fear of punishment, the fear of getting bullied, the guilt of not speaking up....Though cheating may not seem like a crime that hurts anyone, the ripple effect of it is dramatic and few are left unscathed. 

But that is now over and done with. It was a mess, but it is done now. The entire high school has learned from this and I for one am more than happy to just move on!

So what is next on the horizon for me?

Well, in four days I fly to Belgium to spend some quality time with my Mom and sister. My Dad will then fly out there to join us at the end of the month once he finishes school. I plan on soaking up as much peace and quiet as I can. I plan on reading and writing every single day and dining on delicious foods and real wine. I intend to take a lot of walks, relax and disconnect myself from social networking for a while. Maybe I'll take up painting, who knows?!

On July 1st I head to Boston where I will eagerly leap into the arms of my beloved friends and family. I feel very disconnected from their lives and know that I owe them a great deal of time to make up for all those moments I missed throughout the year. The dearest people in the world to me are the ones who don't make me feel guilty for spending time away living my dreams. They embrace me after months of being apart and are genuinely happy to see me, as opposed to feeling upset or making me feel guilty that it has been too long. I think that is the true meaning of love -- to love someone unconditionally and not faulting them for their life choices. Just loving them for who they are. 

I am incredibly grateful to have several people like that in my life. It is thanks to them that I never succumb to loneliness and it is thanks to them that I am able to find the strength in times of darkness to continue living my dreams no matter what obstacles may stand in my way. 

Oh summertime.....here I come!!!