No Air

I feel like I'm drowning....

I feel these tremendous obligations on my shoulders and burdens (boulders) of responsibility attempting to crush me down into dust. I have to fight to keep the smile on my face as I work hour after hour trying to make others happy.

Trying to make my students happy
Trying to make my colleagues happy
Trying to make my friends happy

I need a break. I need someone to offer to carry my load for just a few hours so I can rest my weary bones.

There are days here when I wake up feeling so happy and grateful for all that I have in my life. I stop and pause sometimes and look around my big spacious villa and am frozen in disbelief for a few moments as I remind myself that it is all real. Sitting in the back seat of a private car being chauferred around the city makes me feel powerful: I, a single woman, have the power to hire a driver to take me wherever I so desire. True, I don't have the "power" to drive myself...but at least I have the financial means to hire someone to do it for me.

I am truly happy here, but it is not the "living" of my life that is so burdensome to me right now. It is the means through which I come to have such a great life that is causing me anguish.

I loving teaching. I love standing in front of students and engaging them in discussions, debates and carefully designed lessons. I love helping them understand a complex text, find the right word, or analyze a literary feature. I love answering their questions and driving them crazy by answering them with another question. I love planning units and lessons and designing activities that will motivate and inspire my students to think deeply and forge a personal connection between literature and life. I honestly don't even mind grading!

But what I do NOT love is bureaucracy. I do not love planning dances. I do not love organizing fundraisers. I do not love budgeting. I do not love micromanaging people. I do not love having to ask for permission (or forgiveness). I do not love calling up catering companies. I do not love asking my facilities director for more workers. I do not love anything about being the prom coordinator/adviser.

I tell myself that this is just my price to pay in order to have such a wonderful life in this country I so romantasize. These are my "dues". Right? I've been trying to tell myself that for the past couple of weeks but I'm really not buying it. I don't mind dedicating my spare time to extracurricular activities that will benefit the school. I loved coaching volleyball and would happily coach again. I am a leader and I enjoy being in positions of power, but with regards to planning this "epic" event, I feel as though I am in way over my head. I've been in positions before where I felt ill-equip to handle a job or task, but the difference was that I had passion driving me to succeed in those circumstances. I couldn't care less about a school dance like "the prom". I have no love in my heart or intrinsic motivation supporting me through this. The only thing  keeping me from giving up on this superfluous circus entirely is the fact that I crave the approval of others and I refuse to have my name associated with anything less-than-spectacular. So as much as I hate this job with all of my soul, I am bound to it till the very end.

Sometimes I hate my good conscience....

Little ray of sunshine to keep me going:
Here are photographs of the beach I'm going to be staying at while in Thailand in April....

Progress

I have been having one of those odd weeks where I cannot seem to bring myself to do much professional work outside of designated school hours. I've been working myself hard at the gym and preparing delicious meals for myself every day (large scale "meal prep" is my new way of life now....its so genius, I can't believe I never thought of it before...rather than cook and prepare my meals on a meal-by-meal basis, I cook up big batches of food on the weekend so that when I'm too tired and busy to cook during the week, I always have healthy food ready to go) but when it comes to grading essays and creating handouts for future classes, the procrastinator within me starts screaming "You can do it later!"

I don't feel like I'm slacking off necessarily -- in fact, I'm always busy doing something; whether its responding back to emails, looking up recipes, planning future trips or reading the news. The problem is that those aren't activities that help me be a better teacher. Teaching is like high intensity interval training. You work like crazy for a few hours, then you get a short rest: work work work, then rest, then work work work, then rest. People often say that teaching is "easy" or "nice" because we have so many vacations, weekends off and an 8 hour work day,  but the truth is that while our weekly expenditure of energy may be relatively minimal, say in comparison to a banker or businessman, we must perform at the highest level of intensity for those "few" hours in our day that we are teaching. Bankers and businessmen may work more hours, but teachers certainly work harder hours. 

By the end of my day I am exhausted. If I get an hour or two of "free time" during my work day, I can't bring myself to grade papers or revise curriculum materials because my brain just needs a rest. I work hard and I love my job, but I'm not superwoman. I need some time to recharge my batteries. 

Take this moment, for instance. I am sitting at my desk with a pile of creative short stories by my side that I needed to have had graded last week, but rather than bucking up and sitting down to grade them, I am recording my thoughts and reflections on this blog. I don't feel as though I am being lazy or "wasting" my time doing frivolous things (like shopping online or looking up YouTube videos of cute animals). I am writing. I am engaging my cerebral cortex and challenging my thinking both creatively and intellectually. Yet, writing these words does not grade my papers any faster or bring me closer to completing my grades (which are due in two days). I know this is just an "advanced" or "guilt-free" form of procrastination, but it is procrastination nonetheless. 

The one benefit to writing is that it forces me to focus my attention inward and listen to myself and speak honestly with myself. I need to grade those stories. I don't want to, but I need to. My students put in a great deal of time and effort into writing them and I need to just get it done. One of the main reasons I made a commitment to myself to work out at the gym every morning was precisely for the "freedom" to be able to come home and have the time to complete school work and have personal time for myself. I need to step away from the blog....

But I did have a specific purpose in writing today! 

This article was on the homepage of CNN.com this afternoon:

"Small Protests Have Big Impact in Saudi Arabia":

I am honestly ashamed to say that I have not heard buzz of this at all here in the Kingdom, but apparently a small group of women began a peaceful protest in the small town of Buraida (about 125 miles outside of Riyadh) and it has sparked several other similar protests in other cities around Riyadh. There was even one protest in Riyadh itself! That one lead by men protesting the imprisonment of women. Watching the CNN video brought chills to my spine. Not because I am scared or worried that Saudi Arabia is on the brink of a revolution, but because I am excited. These small events are indeed signs of progress happening in this country. Saudi Arabians are slowly, but surely, becoming frustrated with their lack of a voice and representation in the government. I love this country and consider Saudis to be some of the warmest and most generous people in the world, but they are deeply fearful of change. They are so rooted in tradition that they fail to see the beauty of modernity. True, I think that certain "modern day" freedoms and behaviors are quite deplorable (let me not even begin to disclose my thoughts on America's current gun laws) but giving all Saudi citizens basic rights for legal representation, employment opportunities and a driving license is not going to plunge the country into anarchy. 

Change is slow. 

I am a woman of tremendous faith in the greatness of humankind. I believe that we are all capable of change. I believe that we all understand and accept certain universal truths about what it means to be a good person and to live a good and honest life. True, not all humans choose to listen to those inner voices of reason, but I  genuinely believe that deep down we are all searching for ways to fill our lives with peace. 

Jacuzzi Musings

How is it already January 18th? 

How is the month of January almost over already?  Where has the time gone? It feels as though I was only just in the States mere days ago...

I had one of those particularly difficult days yesterday struggling with homesickness and general sadness. I felt this similar sense of loneliness and sadness last month as I was preparing to return to the States for the first time since my initial move. Now that I’m back in Riyadh, with now six months until I'm back in the States, I feel it again. I’m fortunate that this isn’t a frequent or persistent state of mind. I don't get sad that often, but when I do it comes in sudden and unexpected bursts. I should feel more grateful to have such a forgiving and resilient disposition, but I often forget to look on the bright side of things when I'm feeling anxious, stressed or sad. 

Fortunately, I was able to distract myself with work and planning and g0t over my loneliness relatively quickly. I went out to the US Embassy that evening and celebrated Mardi Gras at a masquerade party. It was a lovely evening full of friendly faces, delicious food and drink, intelligent conversations and dancing! I had a wonderful time and felt beautiful and happy. 

Though the evening was a success and full of joy, social engagements do tend to wear me out quite a bit. I woke up this morning feeling good, but in desperate need of some "alone" time. Therefore, rather than sit at home wallowing in thought or feeling sorry for myself, I decided to soak up some well needed sunlight in the jacuzzi. It was pure bliss. I feel so happy under the sun. There is truly no greater cure for a sad or heartbroken heart than a bright sunny day. Ostensibly I went out there to grade papers but I honestly think that, on occasion, personal time for myself is much more valuable. I can’t be the best teacher I can be unless I am mentally and physically at my best. It doesn’t take much, just a few hours of alone time to recharge my batteries. Already I can feel my confidence levels rising and my mental resolve solidifying. I feel strong and beautiful again (and its only been 45 minutes). 

I am so grateful. In moments of high stress, intensity and fear we often forget to feel gratitude, which is when we should feel it the most. Gratitude allows the body to steer its focus away from the self and to embrace a more selfless view of the world. Our world today has become a very self-driven one. How often do we hear the expressions: “dog eat dog world”, “survival of the fittest”, “every man for himself”, “to each his own”? Rather than building lives driven by the concept of contributing towards some greater good, most humans strive to achieve success for themselves and their own benefit. Why? Where has the desire to help others and make a difference for the good of humanity (and not for credit or a resume boost) gone? Why has money and personal success become more worthy than charity and kindness? I realize I sound hopelessly naive. I am, in many ways. I acknowledge the fact that for as long as man has walked this earth, he has had selfish desires. But didn't humankind used to be more community driven? Didn't the family unit evolve out of our need and desire to surround ourselves with others and collaborate as a collective to survive and thrive in the world? 

My head is swimming with questions these days. Perhaps it is the result of having crossed over into the new year so quickly; my mind is still stuck in contemplative mode. These major life questions about life and love that occupy my thoughts so frequently these days, though occasionally dark and depressing, are surprisingly quite refreshing. I enjoy thinking about universal issues, it makes me feel more connected to humanity as a whole. I may not have all the answers (or any, if the truth be told) but I am comforted by the fact that for centuries these questions and ideas have permeated the thoughts of human beings all around the world. I am not alone.

On Love

I usually never talk about my feelings or emotions openly. Even my very best friends in the entire world  have to pry out information from me. Though I can appear flirtatious and confident around men, that is purely an external construct. Deep down, I'm terrified.

The truth is....contrary to the secure, happy, independent, confident persona I put forth, I am deeply insecure when it comes to men and relationships. I can juggle all sorts of obstacles  and I will happily challenge myself professionally, spiritually, and physically...but when it comes to emotions, I feel like I'm lost in an abyss. I don't know what to do or say, I second guess myself and I feel afraid.

This is a difficult thing for me to admit, considering how so many people see me as a shining example of strength, grace and confidence, but I believe that in order for a person to truly love and accept themselves they must first acknowledge their shortcomings. I am scared of letting people in emotionally. Mainly because I am scared of getting hurt. I fall for people easily and I attach to people easily but I set myself up for disappointment and heartbreak because I create unrealistically high expectations for others.  Do I do that as a defense? Do I set these high expectations knowing that men will inevitably fall short of them and therefore I am able to spare myself the more agonizing pain of acknowledging that I may be the one less than worthy? Perhaps...

Living in such an insular, family-centered community (and country) has forced me to reflect deeply upon my own life and the people in it that I love and care about. Though I'm in no rush to get married or have children any time soon, I would like to think that I am at least heading in that general direction. I'd like to think that I am now building a life for myself that is open to the possibility of finding love.

It's been almost four years since I've been in a serious relationship. I fell for one guy this past year. We connected effortlessly and looked perfect on paper, but he wasn't in a good place emotionally to commit to being in a serious relationship. He's now one of my closest friends, but in the end...he too is a "failed" relationship. I often fantasize about being with him. The man that I can't have. Once again, setting high hopes and expectations that can never be realized, thus feeding into my self-destructive cycle of negativity and heartbreak concerning men. Why do I do this to myself?

Some people may theorize that it is because deep down I don't think that I'm deserving of love. While I've considered that hypothesis I don't believe it to be true. I do deserve love. Over the past few years I have strengthened myself physically and spiritually. I have worked hard and achieved tremendous success in my life. Though I still struggle with minor lapses in self-confidence, I do love myself and am proud of all that I have accomplished in my young adult life.

So why then do I still feel as though I need a man in my life? I don't need a care-giver, financial stability or security. I already have all of those things. So what exactly am I looking for?

I guess the only answer I can think of right now, is that I'd just like someone to share my life with. Not define my life. Not change my life. Not improve my life. Just share my life.

Image I snapped of a man walking alone down a
highway outside Riyadh....

Life for a single woman in Saudi can feel very trapped.
I actually felt jealous of this man's "freedom" to walk outside
uncovered and without fear of persecution.

Happiness is only half as powerful when experienced alone. 

Despite the male-dominated culture that so defines daily life here, and the conservative social conventions that are so revered, living in Saudi Arabia has actually made me greatly appreciate being single. I look around and see so many couples that are glued to the hip and seem to have no other sense of being other than as a significant "other". I see husbands who look bored and worn down and wives that have become resentful and passive aggressive. I have been told on numerous occasions by both men and women how lucky I am to be single. How I should wait as long as possible before I get married. Of course, not all married couples feel this way. There are many husbands and wives I've befriended who have extremely healthy and fulfilling marriages. Therefore, I ask myself -- why aren't all marriages successful? This is where my conundrum begins. Are we, as humans, supposed to be monogamous? Are we supposed to find a life partner to settle down with and call it quits on forging loving bonds with the rest of humankind? My thoughts start spinning out of control at this point. I start to envision alternate worlds and societies in which both men and women are free to be whatever they want to be. I imagine a world without societal expectations or conventions. I imagine a world where the words "should", "must", and "have to" don't exist. 

It frustrates me that the dating world has become one big game / psychological experiment / casino / boxing ring. Men and women have always kept "secrets" from each other about what their true intentions may be, but now, thanks to dating guidebooks, blogs and relationship "experts", those tricks and underlying motives are being revealed. Men and women have learned the "secrets" of the opposite sex (what women want / what men want) and they both then use that information to manipulate settings and scenarios in order to achieve a specific objective based on a predictable outcome. That objective could be sex, friendship, a steady relationship or marriage. This saddens me because I quite enjoyed the land of ignorant bliss. I used to dream that I would find the love of my life sporadically -- running into each other in a bookstore or bonding over our shared love of a particular artist in a museum. Now, unfortunately, whenever I meet someone new my brain instantly gets into "game play" mode: I start to immediately wonder where he's from, what he does, is he a player, is he desperate, what's his angle, what does he want in life, could he be my boyfriend, could he be my husband, could I see myself with this man for years, how many girlfriends has he had before me....? Before I know it, my head is spinning in circles, my heart is fluttering, I start trying too hard to "act cool" and impress him and presto -- the magic of romance has vanished! 

When did love become so high stakes? When did love start becoming an objective as opposed to a feeling? When did love stop being inconvenient and irrational to being "a promise" (dating websites such as Match and eHarmony claim that you will find love "guaranteed" in your first 6 months)?

I always thought that love was something that just happened. Something that couldn't be controlled. Something that couldn't be forced. Now, I'm being told that young, single women such as myself should be actively seeking love out. I should be putting myself out there and dating numerous men in order to land "the one". I should be open and available and compassionate to men in order to "win them over".  I know that I should stick to my beliefs and live life according to my own rules, but I cannot help but wonder if love has indeed evolved? Are my romantic ideals now obsolete? Do I need to get with the program? 

I don't have all the answers, nor do I even have that strong of an understanding of the world, but this much I know to be true: I have myself. Every single day I wake up, eat, go to work and live my life with myself. No one can ever separate me from myself and no one can ever replace myself. To accept this truth is to understand that one is never truly alone. We always have ourselves for company. I can challenge myself, inspire myself and love myself. Does this mean I'm giving up on life and love? Of course not. On the contrary, it means I can finally start living it. 

Reigning in the New Year with positivity, love and laughter.

Back to Life (with Gusto!)

It feels so great to be writing again.

Returning back to Riyadh after an extremely restful, fun and invigorating vacation in the States was depressing at first, but now that I am back into my old routines I am filled with a rejuvenated sense of drive and purpose. The smile has returned to my face. I feel strong, motivated and happy.

In addition to providing my body and mind with some much needed rest, one of the most positive outcomes of my vacation was that it instilled within me an insatiable hunger for reading and writing.

Though I have always loved reading and writing, they are often the first two things to fall to the wayside when I get stressed or exhausted. I resort to watching mindless television shows or internet browsing to pass the time, as my brain usually feels "too exhausted" to do anything more intellectually stimulating. This vacation I devoured four books over a two week period and I am still hungering for more. Aside from going to the gym, the only way I wish to spend my free time now is by reading and writing.

The last book I finished reading was a short memoir by Stephen King called "On Writing". In it, he describes his life and the twists and turns and insights that shaped his life as an early writer. What impressed me most, aside from his refreshing candor, was how hard he works. He writes for several hours every single day. True, he does not have a full time job aside from writing, but still....that's impressive. He has tremendous discipline, motivation and work ethic. I was truly inspired by his words, life views and the advice he gave (both directly and indirectly) about how much work is required in order to successfully pursue one's dreams. Though writing several hours every day is not a feasible life for me right now, it is one I aspire to. How wonderful would it be to just sit and write all morning in a beautiful house in Maine? That seems like pure bliss to me.

As one of my New Years Resolutions, I am going to attempt to write for 30 minutes - 1 hour every single day. There are currently three writing projects I am working on: my personal journal, this blog and a book about education. The book is a major work in progress. It is a compilation of stories, anecdotes and reflections about teaching and my experiences as a young teacher. I started writing it under the suggestion of my mother and I love the idea of it. It has the potential to be an incredible book, if only I could sit myself down and focus on it for several hours every day. I've set the goal for myself to finish a draft of it by the end of this summer. It is going to take a great deal of work and deliberation, but I am determined for finish it! I honestly think it has the potential to change lives and inspire hours.

Though I struggled with self-confidence in my late teenage years well into my early twenties, I've always had an incredibly inflated sense of self worth. Since I was a young girl my parents have been drilling into my head that I was born destined for greatness. They've always made me feel as though my thoughts were precious and worthwhile. As a result of their tireless support and encouragement, I too have come to believe that I am destined for great things. At times I am embarrassed by this egocentric thinking and feel as though I may think too highly of myself, but I am beginning to see that this positive self-image is by no means rooted in pompousness or arrogance, but rather it is a mindset that continues to inspire me and challenge me to be greater than I currently am.

Keeping me grounded, through all the changes and ups and downs I've experienced and gone through in my life, is a deep appreciation for all that surrounds me. I feel incredibly grateful for all that I have in my life and for all of the people in it that support me with nothing but love and adoration. I recognize that mine is a life of privilege and it is for that very reason I feel so driven to succeed and make a difference in the world. Be it through teaching, acting or writing. My voice wants to, needs to, be heard.